There comes a point after most decisions when you question what in the hell you were thinking. That's what happened to me and my co-workers during detox day three. Although I definitely questioned myself today, I still felt pretty good and I wasn't hungry - other than my constant coffee craving. Oh, and FYI, hot tea does not sate that craving. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that hot tea sucks. I'm pretty sure Juan Valdez and his ass didn't travel down a mountain with a pouch full of tea leaves, right? Nope, his pouches were full of beautiful, aromatic, tasty coffee beans....sigh...
Another ass-kicker about today, 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that I ordered three months ago arrived today. FIVE BOXES! What in the hell was I thinking?! I'm one girl! One girl who really loves cookies, mind you, but my ass doesn't love them!
My dinner this evening was a bountiful veggie feast: a pan full of fried new and sweet potatoes (yes, I can cook with olive oil. I'm not cheating), sauteed mushrooms with an anaheim pepper, onion and ginger, and an acorn squash baked with olive oil, nutmeg and cinnamon. Sounds yummy, doesn't it? Sounds like I should be living in a teepee somewhere, that's what I think! It was very yummy and I'd definitely eat any and all of these options as a side dish, but they would have been much more satisfying with a chicken breast or possibly a piece of carrot cake.
On a positive note, I woke up this morning 3 lbs thinner - that's a total of 4 lbs. gone in 3 days. I'm pretty sure I pooped most of it out, but whatever. A pound is a pound however you lose it.
Everyone keeps asking why I'm doing this and I'm beginning to not buy my own story. Cravings are the devil in disguise. They creep up on you, sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear, telling you how pretty you look, but that you'd look much prettier WITH THIS IN YOUR MOUTH!
Day three thank you for visiting. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Detox Day 2 - or "I lost 1 lb. in 1 day. I'm practically anorexic"
Ok, so I will most definitely never be mistaken for anorexic. I love my food too much and puking makes me want to puke, so we're good to go. Wait, is anorexia the kind that doesn't eat and bulimic is the one that pukes or vice versa??? I need to bone up on my eating disorders, apparently.
Anywhoooo. Day #2 was not bad at all. I did not get any lack-of-caffeine headaches, did not threaten to shiv anyone, and didn't feel like bitch slapping anyone either, so all in all, it was a good day. I really did lose 1 lb. which is probably water weight and whatnot, but I'll take it. A pound is a pound!
I did upgrade from licking a cinnamon candy to eating a peppermint candy today. I have to admit it. I can't lie. It felt good to be so bad.
I'm pretty bored with eating vegetables. Period. It only took me 48 hours to get sick of them, which is pretty good when you consider how quickly I tire of just about anything and anyone. Ask my ex-husband. (ba dum, bum).
I'm going to stick with it. I've committed to this and I believe that I need to cleanse my guts and in the process I'll cleanse my mind and my soul. I'm ready for so much more in 2011 and this is how it will all begin!
Until tomorrow...
Anywhoooo. Day #2 was not bad at all. I did not get any lack-of-caffeine headaches, did not threaten to shiv anyone, and didn't feel like bitch slapping anyone either, so all in all, it was a good day. I really did lose 1 lb. which is probably water weight and whatnot, but I'll take it. A pound is a pound!
I did upgrade from licking a cinnamon candy to eating a peppermint candy today. I have to admit it. I can't lie. It felt good to be so bad.
I'm pretty bored with eating vegetables. Period. It only took me 48 hours to get sick of them, which is pretty good when you consider how quickly I tire of just about anything and anyone. Ask my ex-husband. (ba dum, bum).
I'm going to stick with it. I've committed to this and I believe that I need to cleanse my guts and in the process I'll cleanse my mind and my soul. I'm ready for so much more in 2011 and this is how it will all begin!
Until tomorrow...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Detox Day 1 - or "The day my brain went dead."
I woke up this morning, excited and motivated to flush the toxins and crap out of my system. Today was day #1 of my 10-day fruit and veggie detox. I'm not just going to detox and then go back to eating constant crap again. I'm using this as a springboard into healthier habits in 2011. Sounds like every other resolution, huh?
Food wise, I have no complaints, other than I'm already tired of the taste of potatoes (bad news). But I do have BIG complaints about the fact that I can't have caffeine - namely coffee - for 10 days! Fucking hell shoot me!!
I never realized how much my body / brain relied on caffeine to function until I hit three reeeallly deep ruts today.
Around 9:52 am I was about to cut a bitch with my envelope opener....that's all I'm sayin'. All I wanted was coffee with cream. Give it to me and no one gets hurt. I fought through that urge by walking through the kitchen and smelling coffee (yes...smelling coffee), and drinking some really crappy peach detox tea. By 11ish, that urge had passed.
Then, around 2pm, the dull, numbness of a lack of synapses in my brain began. I was having a hard time staying awake and I may have drop kicked a cute puppy at that point. I was tired of chewing gum, tired of my fruity decaf teas and tired of the taste of vegetables, so I did what any girl with an eating disorder would do - I licked a piece of cinnamon candy. I didn't suck on it or swallow it (sorry boys), I just licked it for the shear pleasure of a cinnamon taste in my mouth...sad, but true. I've got all of the issues, yet none of the protruding hip bones to prove it.
Later, when I got home from work and walked the dogs, I sat down to check Facebook and proceeded to fall asleep sitting straight up on the couch. Computer on the lap, mouth open, possible drool - I'm not saying there was, I'm not saying there wasn't. I decided to go ahead and nap it out for a half an hour, but honestly, it's 7:40 pm and I could easily go to bed right now and sleep till my 5am alarm. Noooo problem.
I have high hopes that tomorrow won't be as bad...please don't let it be as bad...
Food wise, I have no complaints, other than I'm already tired of the taste of potatoes (bad news). But I do have BIG complaints about the fact that I can't have caffeine - namely coffee - for 10 days! Fucking hell shoot me!!
I never realized how much my body / brain relied on caffeine to function until I hit three reeeallly deep ruts today.
Around 9:52 am I was about to cut a bitch with my envelope opener....that's all I'm sayin'. All I wanted was coffee with cream. Give it to me and no one gets hurt. I fought through that urge by walking through the kitchen and smelling coffee (yes...smelling coffee), and drinking some really crappy peach detox tea. By 11ish, that urge had passed.
Then, around 2pm, the dull, numbness of a lack of synapses in my brain began. I was having a hard time staying awake and I may have drop kicked a cute puppy at that point. I was tired of chewing gum, tired of my fruity decaf teas and tired of the taste of vegetables, so I did what any girl with an eating disorder would do - I licked a piece of cinnamon candy. I didn't suck on it or swallow it (sorry boys), I just licked it for the shear pleasure of a cinnamon taste in my mouth...sad, but true. I've got all of the issues, yet none of the protruding hip bones to prove it.
Later, when I got home from work and walked the dogs, I sat down to check Facebook and proceeded to fall asleep sitting straight up on the couch. Computer on the lap, mouth open, possible drool - I'm not saying there was, I'm not saying there wasn't. I decided to go ahead and nap it out for a half an hour, but honestly, it's 7:40 pm and I could easily go to bed right now and sleep till my 5am alarm. Noooo problem.
I have high hopes that tomorrow won't be as bad...please don't let it be as bad...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Sacrificing the Spiffy Lamb
The word of the day today at Dictionary.com is 'katzenjammer'. The definition of this awesome word - "The discomfort and illness experienced as the aftereffects of excessive drinking. Hangover."
Who came up with such a kick ass word for such a shitty feeling? Well, according to said resource, Katzenjammer stems from American English, a combination of the German Katze , "cat," and jammer , "distress." The word was popularized by the early comic "The Katzenjammer Kids." I've never seen nor read that comic, but I bet it's a hoot! Think about it, a bunch of kids sitting around feeling like shit. Takes me back to high school after we drank one too many Purple Passions... Ah, the memories...
When this word showed up in my "word of the day" email I found the blog inspiration I'd been looking for. New Year's Day was nothing but 24-hours of pure katzenjammer for Spiffy. Not only could I not sit completely upright until after 1pm, I spent the entire day in self-loathing mode.
Drinking used to be fun. Back in the day when you could tear it up till 3am, wake up wearing the same clothes, reeking of smoke wondering where the fuck you are and who the fuck is laying next to you. Back then you could recover fairly quickly with nothing but a Sonic cheeseburger, a cig, and a cup of coffee. You know - the good ole' days!
Those days have long since passed. While its fun drinking the vodka/pink lemonade devil juice combo at the time, it's no fun remembering the ass you made of yourself the next day. That's why Spiffy has decided to DETOX!
My awesome, beautiful, fit, hot yoga instructor passed along a fruit and veggie only 10-day detox diet and, starting Monday, it's on like Donkey Kong!
Nothing but fruit and veggies for 10 days. No caffeine, no alcohol, no chemicals, no fun, but plenty of headaches and bitching. Sounds like a party you wouldn't want to miss, huh?!
I'm going to try to post a new blog every day so you can all experience the atonement for my sins of excess right along with me. Hopefully at the end of the detox I'll be a few pounds lighter and free of the carb chains that bind me, leaving more room for my smart-ass attitude!
Who came up with such a kick ass word for such a shitty feeling? Well, according to said resource, Katzenjammer stems from American English, a combination of the German Katze , "cat," and jammer , "distress." The word was popularized by the early comic "The Katzenjammer Kids." I've never seen nor read that comic, but I bet it's a hoot! Think about it, a bunch of kids sitting around feeling like shit. Takes me back to high school after we drank one too many Purple Passions... Ah, the memories...
When this word showed up in my "word of the day" email I found the blog inspiration I'd been looking for. New Year's Day was nothing but 24-hours of pure katzenjammer for Spiffy. Not only could I not sit completely upright until after 1pm, I spent the entire day in self-loathing mode.
Drinking used to be fun. Back in the day when you could tear it up till 3am, wake up wearing the same clothes, reeking of smoke wondering where the fuck you are and who the fuck is laying next to you. Back then you could recover fairly quickly with nothing but a Sonic cheeseburger, a cig, and a cup of coffee. You know - the good ole' days!
Those days have long since passed. While its fun drinking the vodka/pink lemonade devil juice combo at the time, it's no fun remembering the ass you made of yourself the next day. That's why Spiffy has decided to DETOX!
My awesome, beautiful, fit, hot yoga instructor passed along a fruit and veggie only 10-day detox diet and, starting Monday, it's on like Donkey Kong!
Nothing but fruit and veggies for 10 days. No caffeine, no alcohol, no chemicals, no fun, but plenty of headaches and bitching. Sounds like a party you wouldn't want to miss, huh?!
I'm going to try to post a new blog every day so you can all experience the atonement for my sins of excess right along with me. Hopefully at the end of the detox I'll be a few pounds lighter and free of the carb chains that bind me, leaving more room for my smart-ass attitude!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
It’s time for Spiffy to reflect on the year that has come and gone. Take inventory of her failures and, of course, her successes. You know what they say, "failure is success if we learn from it." Well, I've been a sedulous student this year, my friends!
BUNGLES :(
I found this poem that I'd like to share:
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"
Happy New Year and I hope you all have a fucking fantastic 2011!
BUNGLES :(
- I killed at least three plants. I over watered my rubber tree plant and have no idea what I did to my other plants, but the last one to make its way to foliage heaven is featured below. In lieu of sending flowers, please make a donation in my name at Bank of America. Thanks.
- I lost one of my crowns. I like to chew gum and I chewed it right off of my back tooth. Luckily I didn’t swallow it…that was a first…
- I didn’t snag a boyfriend. I had some prospects, none of which panned out and I’m OK with that. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so I’m moving this one on to a 2011 goal. If worse comes to worse, I still have my stun gun and I’ve been working on my knot tying skills.
- I still can’t do a yoga headstand without leaning against the wall.
- I didn’t run a marathon. Or a half marathon. Or a 10k. But…
- I ran a couple of 5k’s and, let’s just be frank, I ran – period. I’m good with that.
- I turned 40 this year and didn’t spend the day curled up in a fetal position sobbing hysterically. I thought it was going to be the most traumatic thing to happen to me since they canceled Arrested Development, but on a scale of “Meh” to “Holy Fuck!” I’d say I settled right in the middle at “What’s that burning smell?”
- I bought a new car which I’ve named Maynard after the best front man ever to walk the earth – Maynard James Keenan. I’m at least 100 feet away from him and there was nothing in the paperwork about naming things after him, so everything is fine. Relax.
Maynard James Keenan - so incredibly hot.
- I bought some new furniture so I don’t feel as bad about living in an apartment. I have to remind myself that on the coasts, apartment living is typical and not looked down upon. Unfortunately, in the Midwest I’m still expected to own my own home. Fuck off.
- I transferred to Park University and will soon finish my degree. This time next year I’ll have that piece of paper that says I can do what I’ve been doing for years, except that now I’ll have thousands and thousands of dollars of extra debt to prove it! Yeah me.
- I saw a shit load of live music. I dubbed my summer the "Summer of Concerts," and I lived up to it. See above photo for one of the artists I saw twice this summer; all within the guidelines of the restraining order.
- I started this blog. I’ve thought about it and talked about it most of the year and finally, with the encouragement of my wonderful friend Courtney, I did it. It feels good to share my twisted alter-ego with the tens of people who read my blog! Thanks, Court!
I found this poem that I'd like to share:
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"
Happy New Year and I hope you all have a fucking fantastic 2011!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Paging Christmas Spirit. Are you here Christmas Spirit?
Those of you who know me know that there isn't much about me that you'd consider "traditional." Natural - yes. Traditional - not so much.
I would like to feel all warm and fuzzy about the holidays, but truthfully, this time of year hasn't really held many special memories for me in many years. Maybe it will again one day, who knows. I promise you that my attitude about the holidays has improved greatly in the past couple of years. I actually bought a Christmas tree - granted it's 2-feet tall and lit by fiber optic branches, but it's a start for eff's sake so get off my back! But I digress...
Regardless of my lack of "traditionalness" (yep, I made that word up), there are a few things that I look forward to around this time of the year and I'd like to share them with you...in no particular order. Ready?
1) Seasonal blend coffees. I love the pumpkin spice and gingerbread and peppermint blend coffees. Love, love, love.
2) Christmas candy. My Grandma used to make the best Christmas candy like peanut clusters and peanut brittle, but my absolute all time favorite - cherry mash candy. I know. Some people find it disgusting, but I love, love, love it! Miss you Grandma. xoxo
3) Playing in the snow. This is something that I love to do, but I haven't done it in years. My brother and I used to make the most kick ass snow forts in our front yard. Seriously, they were like igloos and we'd hang out inside. I love having snowball fights, but I haven't had a good one in a few years. My dogs don't really find it amusing when I throw snowballs at them. They don't quite get the concept... I also love to go sledding. I remember being little and going sledding with my dad and brother. He'd drive us to the same hill every year, put us on our snow saucer and toss us off so we'd fly in the air a bit before sliding down the hill. It was AWESOME! Trying to shove my adult-self off of a hill on a tiny saucer just doesn't have the same effect...
4) Boots. I really like to wear boots and it's much too hot to wear them in the summer.
5) Christmas lights. I used to love to sit in a dark house with nothing but the Christmas lights turned on and just relax and think. It was very peaceful. I also really enjoy looking at lights on houses around town. It's nice that people take the time to show their own Christmas spirit, although I still haven't quite figured out what the correlation is between lights and baby Jesus, but whatever.
6) Christmas songs. Not necessarily the "traditional" tunes (go figure), but I've always liked The Little Drummer Boy. I think mainly because I dig the drums. Other that that, a few of my faves are Blue Christmas by Elvis, Last Christmas by Wham, and 2000 Miles by The Pretenders.
7 ) And last, but definitely not least, this SNL skit is something that I look forward to every year. If ever I feel gloomy around the holidays, I watch this skit and the world falls back into place. It makes me super happy. By the way, I had to search and search for this and could only find it on Hulu, so deal with the 10 second commercial. It's a small price to pay for the happiness you're about to feel!
Merry Christmas, bitches!
I would like to feel all warm and fuzzy about the holidays, but truthfully, this time of year hasn't really held many special memories for me in many years. Maybe it will again one day, who knows. I promise you that my attitude about the holidays has improved greatly in the past couple of years. I actually bought a Christmas tree - granted it's 2-feet tall and lit by fiber optic branches, but it's a start for eff's sake so get off my back! But I digress...
Regardless of my lack of "traditionalness" (yep, I made that word up), there are a few things that I look forward to around this time of the year and I'd like to share them with you...in no particular order. Ready?
1) Seasonal blend coffees. I love the pumpkin spice and gingerbread and peppermint blend coffees. Love, love, love.
2) Christmas candy. My Grandma used to make the best Christmas candy like peanut clusters and peanut brittle, but my absolute all time favorite - cherry mash candy. I know. Some people find it disgusting, but I love, love, love it! Miss you Grandma. xoxo
3) Playing in the snow. This is something that I love to do, but I haven't done it in years. My brother and I used to make the most kick ass snow forts in our front yard. Seriously, they were like igloos and we'd hang out inside. I love having snowball fights, but I haven't had a good one in a few years. My dogs don't really find it amusing when I throw snowballs at them. They don't quite get the concept... I also love to go sledding. I remember being little and going sledding with my dad and brother. He'd drive us to the same hill every year, put us on our snow saucer and toss us off so we'd fly in the air a bit before sliding down the hill. It was AWESOME! Trying to shove my adult-self off of a hill on a tiny saucer just doesn't have the same effect...
4) Boots. I really like to wear boots and it's much too hot to wear them in the summer.
5) Christmas lights. I used to love to sit in a dark house with nothing but the Christmas lights turned on and just relax and think. It was very peaceful. I also really enjoy looking at lights on houses around town. It's nice that people take the time to show their own Christmas spirit, although I still haven't quite figured out what the correlation is between lights and baby Jesus, but whatever.
6) Christmas songs. Not necessarily the "traditional" tunes (go figure), but I've always liked The Little Drummer Boy. I think mainly because I dig the drums. Other that that, a few of my faves are Blue Christmas by Elvis, Last Christmas by Wham, and 2000 Miles by The Pretenders.
7 ) And last, but definitely not least, this SNL skit is something that I look forward to every year. If ever I feel gloomy around the holidays, I watch this skit and the world falls back into place. It makes me super happy. By the way, I had to search and search for this and could only find it on Hulu, so deal with the 10 second commercial. It's a small price to pay for the happiness you're about to feel!
Merry Christmas, bitches!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Pucker up!
Most of you probably don't know this, but I'm a really good kisser. At least I think I am and 90% of doing something well is thinking that you do it well, right? Although, I will admit, it is much more important to ACTUALLY kiss well than just think you kiss well. What the eff ever, I'm a good kisser!
Moving on. My stellar smoochers haven't seem much action lately. Eight months and a couple of weeks to be exact. Now please don't pity Spiffy Chick. It's not like I couldn't be making out like crazy, but I have standards.
I've considered lowering my standards a bit, but we'll leave that craziness for another blog!
Why do I bring up my lack of lip action? Well I saw the trailer for the new Jolie/Depp movie -The Tourist. I'm sitting on the couch, minding my own business when all of a sudden, Johnny Depp's beautiful tongue makes his way into Angelina Jolie's beautiful mouth. It was that very moment that I realized how much it sucked to not be able to rewind live TV. The kiss was hot people. HOT!
That same kiss reminded of me of some toe-tingling kisses I've had in my life and then BLAM! Reality. Cold shower. Blog fodder for my 8 fans to enjoy.
Kissing is, like, one of my five favorite things to do. Seriously. How can anyone who has a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife not make out with them all of the time? You have a steady supply of lip loving, ready and waiting. TAKE IT!
I've told you before that I have a vivid imagination. Well, sometimes I have little 'fantasies' of walking up to men, telling them that I like their shoes or their watch something along that line and then sticking my tongue down their throat for a little face smooshing then and walk away. Do you think I could get away with it or would I find myself in cellblock 3 with Ginger and her buddy Sexy Lexi? Personally, I think it would be a great way for me to pay it forward from that nice lady who bought me lunch last week, but maybe I'm delusional.
Yeah, you're right. Probably not the best idea. Spiffy Chick is a freak, but she's not a pervert people.
Moving on. My stellar smoochers haven't seem much action lately. Eight months and a couple of weeks to be exact. Now please don't pity Spiffy Chick. It's not like I couldn't be making out like crazy, but I have standards.
I've considered lowering my standards a bit, but we'll leave that craziness for another blog!
Why do I bring up my lack of lip action? Well I saw the trailer for the new Jolie/Depp movie -The Tourist. I'm sitting on the couch, minding my own business when all of a sudden, Johnny Depp's beautiful tongue makes his way into Angelina Jolie's beautiful mouth. It was that very moment that I realized how much it sucked to not be able to rewind live TV. The kiss was hot people. HOT!
That same kiss reminded of me of some toe-tingling kisses I've had in my life and then BLAM! Reality. Cold shower. Blog fodder for my 8 fans to enjoy.
Kissing is, like, one of my five favorite things to do. Seriously. How can anyone who has a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife not make out with them all of the time? You have a steady supply of lip loving, ready and waiting. TAKE IT!
I've told you before that I have a vivid imagination. Well, sometimes I have little 'fantasies' of walking up to men, telling them that I like their shoes or their watch something along that line and then sticking my tongue down their throat for a little face smooshing then and walk away. Do you think I could get away with it or would I find myself in cellblock 3 with Ginger and her buddy Sexy Lexi? Personally, I think it would be a great way for me to pay it forward from that nice lady who bought me lunch last week, but maybe I'm delusional.
Yeah, you're right. Probably not the best idea. Spiffy Chick is a freak, but she's not a pervert people.
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