I have very strange dreams. I'm not really sure what it says about the thoughts floating around in my head, but I just had another doozy last night.
I don't remember many of the details, but I was breast feeding a baby. Seriously. The girl in my dream didn't really look like me, but it was supposed to be me. I vividly remember looking down at the baby that I'd shoved under my shirt feeding away on my little, tiny, misshapen boob. Like I said...the girl didn't look like me. : )
I remember thinking, "Hmm. I can't really feel anything," and, "why do my boobs look like little white, floppy triangles?" Like I said...the girl didn't look like me.
That's all I recall of that dream, but that's not even the weirdest of the dreams that I can remember. I had a dream once that I was at my grandparents old house and I'd brought my boyfriend with me, who just happened to be Bill Murray. Bill and I locked ourselves in my grandma's back bedroom and I proceeded to lick his lollipop like he wanted it to be licked. Ugh. It was HUGE too!
Then, once I had a dream that I was working at McDonald's when my friend Britney Spears came in and invited me over to her and Justin Timberlake's house (now you know the time frame of this dream).
So, of course I went over and proceeded to hook up with some faceless guy. Not like the skin was falling off of his head or anything; I just really couldn't see his face. Then, in the middle of sex with this faceless guy, I stopped because this large, bloody mass fell out of my nether-regions. Yeah, I know...buzz kill.
I picked up this bloody mass and pulled it apart and out fell a little baby sweater! What the fuck is wrong with my head??!!! Geez!
Any interpreters out there, have at it. Tell me what's wrong with my dome!
Oh, and to top it all off, I came home tonight to find two flies FUCKING on my door frame! I've got photo proof - prepare to be amazed...
Drinking is fun when you're about one-and-a-half margaritas into the night. You are pretty sure that you are the funniest person in the room, and that you've never tasted anything quite as fantastic as the cool, sweet, salty margarita sitting in front of you.
Fast forward to the next morning after at least three of those fucking fantastic margaritas followed up by 5 of a 'mix a 6-pack' beers and you realize that drinking is not near as much fun as that first margarita made you think it was. Bleh. Thankfully, I kept my shirt on....that's all I'm saying.
So I updated my profile pic because I wanted to show of my SPIFFY new purple glasses! Unfortunately, my profile pic is so small I'm not sure that the fucking fabulousness of my purple frames comes through, but trust me - they are pretty effing spiffy!
I met my dad at the casino today for lunch and penny slots. I'm not a gambler. Never have been and never will be. For every dollar I spend, I think about what I could be purchasing and/or paying for and it sucks all of the fun out of pushing the little button on the slot machine.
Regardless, I had a great time hanging out with my dad. We didn't always have the best relationship, but I love and appreciate him for who he is now and that's all that matters. He's a sweet, sweet man and I love, love, love him.
My current state of mind (aka hangover) is blocking all creative thoughts, so I'm just going to post one of my favorite pictures instead. Meet my girls - Asia and Zoie.
Deuces...
Sing it with me, hipsters! That's right, it's Saturday night and I'm not going to spend the entire evening on my couch. Can I get a "hell yeah!?" (crickets chirping)...I guess not.
I'm meeting my "Gardner buds" at Torreon for some tasty Mexican food and margaritas. Doesn't get much better than that combination - friends, food, and foreplay! (margaritas...get it?...). I kid.
So I picked up a Redbox movie this afternoon - The Backup Plan. Jennifer Lopez is a successful woman who just happens to be my age and she decides she's not going to wait around for 'the one' anymore - she's going to take the bull by the horns and have a baby all by herself! Enter (stage left) hot dude with kick ass abs and a killer smile who just happens to be charming, sweet, sensitive (but not too sensitive that you would want to JUST have tea and jam with him and talk about your feelings), funny, and just aggressive enough to make your girly bits tingle when he looks at you. She is inseminated the day their paths happen to cross, they fall in love, he decides he loves her enough to raise the babies as his own, he shows off his killer abs a few more times, and....scene.
I poke fun, but I thought it was a cute movie and it always makes me wonder if I'd make that choice one day. Would I throw caution to the wind and decide to either have a baby on my own or adopt? I don't know. I can't say right now, but I think about it a lot. I don't really know if I'm cut out to be a mom, let alone a single mom. One of life's many questions...right up there with "can I get a what-what?" Yes Jay Z, I'll give you a what-what.
Speaking of Jay Z and his what-what's, did you ever want to be a rapper, maybe just for a day? I used to listen to that song and try really hard to flow like that chick, "...You ain't gotta be rich but fuck that, how we gon' get around on yo bus pass? Fo I put this pussy on yo mustache.." My favorite part; that I could never quite flow as well as she did was "..when you produce a rock, I let you meet momma and introduce you to poppa." She made it sound so fucking cool and I just sounded like a stuttering idiot! Damnit. I'll never be a rapper.
Peace out.
OK, you'll probably guess by my first blog, I am not politically correct, nor will I be. This is my blog, I'm laying it on the line. You can read it or not. Whatevs...
I haven't fully decided how I'm going to do this. I've got a lot of stories. Some funny, some not so funny, but I think that you will enjoy my stories...my memoirs.
I recently turned 40. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it was pretty surreal nonetheless. I couldn't imagine I'd be the woman I am today when I was in my 20's and even in my early 30's.
I think most of us - women mainly - believe that we need to fit into that "womanly mold" of married with children by a certain age. I've been married - twice. The first one doesn't really count in my mind, but it was legal, so I have to mention it. The second one, well that was...I'm not really sure how to explain that one so I won't right now.
Why did I mention this? Because I think that there are a lot of us who recently turned 40 or are soon-to-be turning 40 who are taking a hard look at our lives and wondering, "Hmmm....really?" I don't have children and I'm not sure whether I will. I love kids and I think I'd make a fabulous step-mom, I'm just not sure my uterus is prepared to bear child. That's all. We'll see. Who knows...Bristol Palin is on DWTS, so Hell can freeze over!
I've been divorced for 4 years (the second time). Four years tomorrow to be exact. I remember my "divorce-a-versaries" easily and I can't remember what I ate for lunch two days ago most of the time...go figure. Too much dope in high school I guess....but I digress.
I've been on a lot of dates since my divorce. Some good, but a lot of bad. I am amazed at the amount of douchebaggery there is out there. I'm pretty sure that I'm a douchebag magnet. I'm not really sure how I acquired that talent and I'm working hard on passing it off onto someone else. I've paid my dues!
OK, I've muddled on...let's start the memoirs, shall we? I'm going to start with my first boyfriend, Matt (I'm leaving last names out...sorry!). Matt was a couple of years older than me, tall, dark hair, and bright blue eyes. He had a unibrow, but I didn't care, I was in 8th grade and didn't understand the concept of plucking myself.
I can't remember how I met Matt because he was a Freshman when I was in 8th grade, but maybe it was at the pool...who cares...we met. Matt took away the fruits of my virginity, well, I gave him the fruit, he didn't really 'take' anything. I bet my dad $5 that I'd marry him one day. Thank goodness I lost that bet. He's turned into a Bible-beating weirdo, but he's happily married himself with two cute kids, so kudos to you, Unibrow!
How was your first "experience?" Can you remember back that far? Ha! I was scared out of my mind and I remember specifically feeling like my girly bits were ripping in half and I wasn't sure that my ass would be simply a "hole" when I was finished. NO! I didn't get ass-fucked for my first sexual experience you sickos! It was just very painful in my nether-regions. So there.
We "did it" once and never again until 4 years later when I was a little more "legal" shall we say... It was just as crappy the second time.
What about you?
