Hmmmm....

Things That Perplex Me - by Spiffy Chick
- The main street in front of my house has two lanes in each direction in addition to a turn lane. Why in the H. E. double hockey sticks can't morons turn into ONE lane and then into their turn lane?  Why stradle the lanes and turn impatient drivers like me into horn-honking bitches??!  It's not like you're in a Humvee for fuck's sake.  You'll fit neatly into your turn lane.  Try it!

- Why am I becoming less and less of a believer in true love and romance in my real life, but I let movies like Avatar get me all teary-eyed?  Seriously, I'm a sap for movie love stories.  I came across "Failure to Launch" with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey on TBS this morning and found myself believing the stupid story.  I mean come on...how could Terry Bradshaw and Kathy Bates bump uglies and make something as hot as MMc?  It would never happen! Oh, and Avatar made me want to become an alien...then maybe I'd be understood... Balls!

- How much did they pay the writers of the Hangover 2?  Whatever it was, it was too much.  I'm pretty sure they took the first script, changed a few lines, changed the location and voila! So disappointing...although I did still want to ride Bradley Cooper like a wild pony and found myself wondering whether I could find a "girly-boy" show in KC...

- Why can't guys make plans if they want to see you?  Do you really think we're going to drop everything because you texted us at 4pm to see "what's up"?  Apparently you do, so let me answer this question for you - no.  Try making actual plans at least a day in advance.  You'd be amazed at how much more receptive women are to plans.  Remember the three P's: Plans = possible play.  I have to leave "possible" in there because you still may screw it up we all need an out.

- I cashed in frequent flyer miles last year for a subscription to The Economist and I continue to get magazines.  Each week I open my mailbox and there is another Economist staring at me, reminding me of the unrequited love of Professor Dan. Who is Professor Dan, you ask?  He was my Econ teacher.  I fell in lust with his big, beautiful brain a couple of years ago and asked him out at the end of the semester.  I drew a "Production Possibilities" chart comparing coffee to conversation.  "More coffee = more conversation, Professor Dan...want to have coffee with me and find out?"  Alas, we did not have the chance to test the theory of my chart.  Probably for the best since he was missing one of his legs from the knee down and that could have thrown a wrench into sexy time...(I kid.  Professor Dan if you ever read this, know that we'd have a lot of production possibilities...)

- Do people actually think they will get their way if they throw a shit-fit and start demanding action?  Case in point - last week I was checking into my flight.  My flight was delayed and I was disappointed, but I know that you'll get more flies with sugar, so I smiled all the way through.  She put me on a direct flight and gave me $13 in vouchers.  SCORE! (Oh wait...they aren't good for booze...damn.)  The douchbag next to me started yelling at the lady behind the counter, making excuses as to why he hadn't checked into the flight that was leaving in five minutes. Yadda yadda. "I'm active duty military!" Yadda, yadda. "I ship out in a month!" Yadda yadda. "You're a fucking idiot!"  Then, after being told over and over that he couldn't get on the flight, he started screaming like a two-year old.  No shit.  Literally growling, grunting, screaming.  It was the most disgusting display of childish disrespect I've ever seen and I hope someone got his information and reported him to his superior. Shame on you!

- I have a thing for food shoved into pastries or pasta.  For some reason if you take meat, cheese and a veggie and shove it into something and fry it up, my taste buds automatically assume it's going to kick serious ass!  It's so convenient and compact; two of the main discerning factors when considering meals, right along with "what can I dip it in" and "will it make me gassy"?  Wontons - awesome.  Crab rangoon - delicious.  Spanakopita - sinful.  Pierogies - a waste of chewing. I now need to re-think my food factors...

- We've had some really bad storms in the midwest this month.  The tornado that took out Joplin has made everyone a little jumpy when the wind starts blowing.  Last week we had a real-life tornado warning at work and had to take cover.  We've had plenty of drills reviewing what to do in the event of an actual warning, but as we were heading four stories under ground into our concrete parking garage, I finally found myself wondering, "what the fuck are they thinking?"  Why would we want to be stuck under tons of concrete should a tornado decide to take out our eight story building?  Does that seem logical to you?  Luckily nothing happened and we all went back to work after an hour and a half. Although while I was stuck underground, I did start eliminating who I would and wouldn't eat if it came down to it.  There is this one hot guy who would be top of my list to eat.  He's pretty muscly, but let's just say I wouldn't start with his biceps... :)

Until I find more perplexities...
 

Sage Advice from Spiffy...

Ann Landers. Dear Abby. Oprah. Yoda. Spiffy Chick.  Three wise women, a Jedi master and a fictional character.  You decide which is which, but remember...(Oprah can see everything...)

As a certified Jedi master, I feel it is my duty to bestow sage advice to my twelve or so followers.  So, listen up!

- Don't ask a girl out for lunch and before you even meet, tell her that you "haven't lost your winter weight."  What's she supposed to say to that?  "Well, OK...black is slimming and stay away from the chips and salsa.."  I mean seriously??  Play up the positive and let her figure out what a disappointment you are on date #3 or however long it takes you to get her into bed. 

- You've heard the adage, "Don't hate the playa, hate the game," right?  Well Spiffy says, "Play on, playa!"  If you're lucky enough to have two or more people lined up at once, do what you gotta do!  Spread it around, just be smart about it. What you shouldn't do is tell the person who set you up with one of your "suitees" that you're messing around with another one of her friends.  Stupid. Bonehead. Move. 

- Ladies - don't play your relationship issues out on Facebook.  I'm sorry if your guy is a douche bag disappointment, but I guarantee as soon as he buys you a bouquet of cheap flowers and tells you how sorry he is while slipping you the bone, you'll forgive him and feel like an idiot for spouting off.  Save your fights for the bedroom.  Makeup sex is awesome! (at least from what I remember...)

- Speaking of Facebook, you do realize that if FB says your in a relationship, it's the real deal. I mean it's Facebook for fuck's sake!  It's more binding than a marriage certificate!  Don't change your FB status to "In a Relationship," then change it to "It's complicated," then back to "Single," all in the matter of 24-hours.  Make up your fucking mind.  It's not that complicated and, quite frankly I'm tired of seeing it on my news feed.  

Advice for you I have no more. Good week you should have and cool you should stay... :)