I want to begin by stating that, in all honesty, I am happy with the person I am today. Now onto the introspection:
Do you ever look at other people and wonder how they got lucky enough to live your life? The life you always thought you'd live, but somewhere along the way, your course changed and you ended up "here."
"Here" isn't a bad place, it just wasn't what you'd pictured for yourself. The sad part is, "here" is exactly where you placed yourself. All of the choices you made lead you right to where you are today. Here.
While I type this, I realize that it sounds like I'm unhappy with my life, and I truly am not, but I've found myself dwelling a lot lately on experiences and relationships that I'll likely never have. And, it kind of bums me out.
I also realize that the people who are living "my" life probably look at me and think that I've got it made. It's all about perception, right?
I have this sinking feeling deep in my heart that I'm going to wake up one day and be too old to do any of the things that I now want to do or see any of the things I want to see. And THAT scares the shit out of me. Mortality has shown it's ugly face and I spend a lot of time fighting with it.
Every day I come home to a one-bedroom apartment and two dogs. I don't share my day's experiences with anyone. I go to the gym and sweat, but I rarely interact with anyone. I watch TV and read my social media and play my Words with Friends. I have gotten accustomed to being alone, so much that I have to force myself to be around people sometimes. I know. Hard to believe, but it's true. Spiffy is a bit of a loner ...
Being off work for 5 1/2 months made me realize that I can survive anything and that I've put way too much emphasis on my career. I've focused so much on what I THOUGHT I should be or wanted that I may be missing out on experiencing LIFE. The problem is, I keep waiting around to find someone to experience life with me, and it may never happen.
I was reminded tonight of the Shel Silverstein story, "The Giving Tree." Do I ask too much of my tree? Am I being selfish?
I don't have an answer for myself right now, but I do know that I shouldn't be comparing my life to others. To quote my good buddy, Buddha, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." Hopefully this "blog therapy" will help me focus on this a little more. :)
