I had lunch with a good friend of mine today and during our always enlightening conversation, he told me a story about a friend of a friend. I have decided to share that story with you, because it was that disgusting and outrageous. And as you can tell by previous posts, I'm all about sharing disgusting, outrageous stories!
Before I begin the story, I'd like you to take a moment, stop and ask yourself, "Self, what could I realistically stick up my own ass and feel OK about it?" Now that I've burned that picture into your brain, allow me to begin.
This friend of a friend, or "FOAF," and the the guy she's currently dating decided to stop by their local Walmart on the way home from who knows where, probably Chili's where they loaded up on chili cheese taters or something.
While in Walmart, they thought it would be a good idea to pick up a dog collar. I should mention that I don't believe they have a dog. Now the details of the actual dog collar are fuzzy. It was either a collar or a chain lead, but either way - it was meant FOR A FUCKING DOG!
When they got home from Walmart and got all lubed up and ready to fornicate, they decided to each stick an end of the dog collar up their own ass while having sex. I'm not sure who got the buckle end...ugh...(shiver), but the entire situation gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
So, here's what I find wrong with this scenario: 1) Even if they did sell sex toys at Walmart, have you seen the fucking people who shop at Walmart? If you're that much of a freak (and kudos to you both by the way), you should have a line of credit at Cirillas or whatever it's called nowadays. 2) They do make real sex toys that you can simultaneously stick up each other's asses, like anal beads, geniuses!
Kudos to them for improvising, I guess, but geez...a dog collar?? There are a few things I'd consider sticking up my own ass. A dog collar - not one of them.
I'll let you all imagine your own ass forging. Ruff!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Random thoughts by Spiffy...
I've said this before and I'll say it again, and possibly a few more times in the future. I don't know how to be 40. So I just wake up each day and pretend that I'm not....
Total tangent - what did we do before the cell phone? I mean, how did we get by without the ability to sext or send obscene pictures through our phone, that we just took with our phone??
Speaking of dirty pictures, have you ever tried to take a picture of your girly bits with a Polaroid? I have and it's not easy! I wasted at least 5 pictures trying to get the angle right without showing too much chub or hail damage. I mean I'm flexible, but there isn't much pretty about contorting at those angles...
Why in the world would anyone want to be peed on? I mean seriously?! How is it sexy to have someone release their afternoon coffee on your stomach? Gross.
Gouchos. What the fuck and why? I ask the same question of prairie shirts / skirts.
Whatever happened to Dido?
Dido makes me think of dildo....(giggle).
If I could play any instrument it would be the drums. Unfortunately, I'm not that coordinated. If you've ever seen my Rush air drum performance, you'd agree.
My parents were going to name me Rachel. I'm glad they didn't.
Cheryl Wolfe from Winnetonka used to call me Roxanne. I've used that as my bar name once or twice. Along with "Vageena" and "Clytorice."
I think it would be totally cool to have lunch with my late grandma and grandpa at the age I am now. There are so many things I'd like to know about them and so much that I'd like them to know about me.
I secretly think I'm an awesome hip hop dancer, but in reality, I'm not.
Peace out. :)
Total tangent - what did we do before the cell phone? I mean, how did we get by without the ability to sext or send obscene pictures through our phone, that we just took with our phone??
Speaking of dirty pictures, have you ever tried to take a picture of your girly bits with a Polaroid? I have and it's not easy! I wasted at least 5 pictures trying to get the angle right without showing too much chub or hail damage. I mean I'm flexible, but there isn't much pretty about contorting at those angles...
Why in the world would anyone want to be peed on? I mean seriously?! How is it sexy to have someone release their afternoon coffee on your stomach? Gross.
Gouchos. What the fuck and why? I ask the same question of prairie shirts / skirts.
Whatever happened to Dido?
Dido makes me think of dildo....(giggle).
If I could play any instrument it would be the drums. Unfortunately, I'm not that coordinated. If you've ever seen my Rush air drum performance, you'd agree.
My parents were going to name me Rachel. I'm glad they didn't.
Cheryl Wolfe from Winnetonka used to call me Roxanne. I've used that as my bar name once or twice. Along with "Vageena" and "Clytorice."
I think it would be totally cool to have lunch with my late grandma and grandpa at the age I am now. There are so many things I'd like to know about them and so much that I'd like them to know about me.
I secretly think I'm an awesome hip hop dancer, but in reality, I'm not.
Peace out. :)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
For once...it wasn't me...
I have some really great friends who live all over the place: Cali, Connecticut, Ohio, some other states out east, some other states out west, Atlanta, Florida, yadda yadda, north of the river in MO, and how can I forget - Gardner, Kansas.
My friends in Gardner like to throw parties. Give them the slightest reason and it's a firepit and SoCo shots all around! Whoo! Oh, and don't forget the beer pong...gotta have the beer pong.
Most of the time I end up shit faced and showing my boobs or making some sort of ass out of myself at the "G-Town" parties. Case in point: New Years Eve 2008 into 2009. Spiffy was invited to a party and had never before met the hosts. The theme to the party - Beer from Around the World.
Everyone brought beer from around the world and each hour, everyone got to slam one beer from around the world. This, on top of the concoction I've now labeled "Pink Death," aka vodka and pink lemonade.
Needless to say, Spiffy was slurry and blurry waaaay before midnight. My fellow "Obama Gal" Val and I got into a very intelligent political argument with the Republican party host (I'm sure we supported our point of view with both penetrating and factual pieces of information. I'm just sure of it...).
After said debate, or "scream fest," someone must have dared me to show my boobs. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but it was probably, "Hey (insert Spiffy's name), show yer tits!" Apparently after many trips around the world and at least 32 oz. of Pink Death, showing my tits was a good idea, so I did. And cameras were there to capture the magic! Yeah!
On a positive note, I did receive efficacious praise regarding how "nice my tits" were, so I had that going for me...
Make your point, Spiff...OK, so my point is this. I usually make an ass out of myself at G-Town parties, but last night, I DIDN'T! It wasn't me who went around the party showing off her girly bits. It wasn't me who went a little kooky and started blessing the crowd with her "vagina water." It wasn't me who chased people around the fire trying to throw said "vagina water" on them. It wasn't me...
As I tell this story, I'm still slightly hung over, but I'm laughing at all of the fun we had last night. I love my friends. They are crazy and funny and I wouldn't have it any other way. And also, because I'm pretty sure I'll make an ass out of myself at one of the parties soon, so I'm pointing fingers while I can. :)
My friends in Gardner like to throw parties. Give them the slightest reason and it's a firepit and SoCo shots all around! Whoo! Oh, and don't forget the beer pong...gotta have the beer pong.
Most of the time I end up shit faced and showing my boobs or making some sort of ass out of myself at the "G-Town" parties. Case in point: New Years Eve 2008 into 2009. Spiffy was invited to a party and had never before met the hosts. The theme to the party - Beer from Around the World.
Everyone brought beer from around the world and each hour, everyone got to slam one beer from around the world. This, on top of the concoction I've now labeled "Pink Death," aka vodka and pink lemonade.
Needless to say, Spiffy was slurry and blurry waaaay before midnight. My fellow "Obama Gal" Val and I got into a very intelligent political argument with the Republican party host (I'm sure we supported our point of view with both penetrating and factual pieces of information. I'm just sure of it...).
After said debate, or "scream fest," someone must have dared me to show my boobs. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but it was probably, "Hey (insert Spiffy's name), show yer tits!" Apparently after many trips around the world and at least 32 oz. of Pink Death, showing my tits was a good idea, so I did. And cameras were there to capture the magic! Yeah!
On a positive note, I did receive efficacious praise regarding how "nice my tits" were, so I had that going for me...
Make your point, Spiff...OK, so my point is this. I usually make an ass out of myself at G-Town parties, but last night, I DIDN'T! It wasn't me who went around the party showing off her girly bits. It wasn't me who went a little kooky and started blessing the crowd with her "vagina water." It wasn't me who chased people around the fire trying to throw said "vagina water" on them. It wasn't me...
As I tell this story, I'm still slightly hung over, but I'm laughing at all of the fun we had last night. I love my friends. They are crazy and funny and I wouldn't have it any other way. And also, because I'm pretty sure I'll make an ass out of myself at one of the parties soon, so I'm pointing fingers while I can. :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Revision: "I'll blog whenever I can remember, hopefully every day..."
I went to bed last night and neglected to turn the world on with my smile...or in this case, my blog.
Here's my dilemma - I waded in the shallow end if you will and threw down an NC-17 blog the other day. I used the word “cock ring” and “vibrator” in the same blog. Some people were shocked, others secretly titillated, others openly titillated. Heck, there’s probably one or two of you right now who are either getting a slight chubby at my use of the word titillate (now three times) or giggling because it’s a funny word. Personally, I’m a giggler.
I think there may be some high expectations out there for me to keep it on the A-Train to Nastyville, but I don't think I'm going to take it there tonight. After all, it’s Thursday and while I’m not a religious person, I believe next Thursday is Maundy Thursday and I don’t want to piss any Catholics off exactly one week before a religious holiday.
Instead, tonight I’ll pay homage to one of my dear friends by mentioning nice things about her and why I’m glad she’s a part of my life (awwww….). Now don’t get all pissy if you don’t see your name this time. I’ll try to say something nice about you soon. Or maybe something not so nice, but you’ll be mentioned, so chill!
I kid…
My friend Courtney is hands-down the kindest person that I know. The great thing about her kindness is that she’s kind to EVERYONE. Seriously. She always asks if I want anything from the cafeteria when she goes there for lunch, she’s always got a positive attitude, and she’s been my sounding board and shoulder to cry on when I was at my lowest. She makes me laugh and most importantly, as I discovered today, she has the rhythm of a one-legged drunk and doesn’t care! Everyone send her positive vibes – she’s training for her first 5k! Go, Courtney, go!! I only hope that I bring as much to your life as you bring to mine. xoxo
OK, that’s enough of “Sappy Spiffy” for one night. Titillate. :)
Here's my dilemma - I waded in the shallow end if you will and threw down an NC-17 blog the other day. I used the word “cock ring” and “vibrator” in the same blog. Some people were shocked, others secretly titillated, others openly titillated. Heck, there’s probably one or two of you right now who are either getting a slight chubby at my use of the word titillate (now three times) or giggling because it’s a funny word. Personally, I’m a giggler.
I think there may be some high expectations out there for me to keep it on the A-Train to Nastyville, but I don't think I'm going to take it there tonight. After all, it’s Thursday and while I’m not a religious person, I believe next Thursday is Maundy Thursday and I don’t want to piss any Catholics off exactly one week before a religious holiday.
Instead, tonight I’ll pay homage to one of my dear friends by mentioning nice things about her and why I’m glad she’s a part of my life (awwww….). Now don’t get all pissy if you don’t see your name this time. I’ll try to say something nice about you soon. Or maybe something not so nice, but you’ll be mentioned, so chill!
I kid…
My friend Courtney is hands-down the kindest person that I know. The great thing about her kindness is that she’s kind to EVERYONE. Seriously. She always asks if I want anything from the cafeteria when she goes there for lunch, she’s always got a positive attitude, and she’s been my sounding board and shoulder to cry on when I was at my lowest. She makes me laugh and most importantly, as I discovered today, she has the rhythm of a one-legged drunk and doesn’t care! Everyone send her positive vibes – she’s training for her first 5k! Go, Courtney, go!! I only hope that I bring as much to your life as you bring to mine. xoxo
OK, that’s enough of “Sappy Spiffy” for one night. Titillate. :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Day 2...um, I mean 3 of the "Blog a Day" challenge
If I'm anything, it's honest. And if I'm anything else, it's a smart ass. But I digress.
I said I'd write a blog a day for the next 30 days and I didn't get around to writing last night. But, by the response from my Sunday blog, no one gives a shit anyway. All I can hear in my head are crickets chirping and the voice of this asshole I dated in my early 20's saying, "No one else may think you're pretty, but I think you're pretty." Yeah, he was a misogynistic, abusive, prick. And I am pretty, so suck it Louis Mayorga.
A friend of mine keeps telling me that I should write about vibrators. I'm not sure how much you'll want to talk about your personal vibrator experience, but I will say this - every girl should have one. Here's a cartoon rendition of my favorite. He looks kind of, um speedy, and maybe a little "bad," huh?? :)
OK, along that line, I have a question for you. If you own a "sexual toy" and have used said "sexual toy" with a partner, and later break up with that partner, is it appropriate to use the same "sexual toy" with your next partner? My philosophy is what they won't know won't hurt 'em and that cock ring cost me $20, so deal with it, but what about you?
Happy Tuesday! :)
I said I'd write a blog a day for the next 30 days and I didn't get around to writing last night. But, by the response from my Sunday blog, no one gives a shit anyway. All I can hear in my head are crickets chirping and the voice of this asshole I dated in my early 20's saying, "No one else may think you're pretty, but I think you're pretty." Yeah, he was a misogynistic, abusive, prick. And I am pretty, so suck it Louis Mayorga.
A friend of mine keeps telling me that I should write about vibrators. I'm not sure how much you'll want to talk about your personal vibrator experience, but I will say this - every girl should have one. Here's a cartoon rendition of my favorite. He looks kind of, um speedy, and maybe a little "bad," huh?? :)
OK, along that line, I have a question for you. If you own a "sexual toy" and have used said "sexual toy" with a partner, and later break up with that partner, is it appropriate to use the same "sexual toy" with your next partner? My philosophy is what they won't know won't hurt 'em and that cock ring cost me $20, so deal with it, but what about you?
Happy Tuesday! :)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
No more slackin' off!
When I started this blog I was going to make a determined effort to write once a week. That hasn't happened. I find myself battling bouts of writers block partnered with, "Ooh...I can't write that. (Insert person name) will know I'm writing about them..." Basically I've been cock-blocking myself. Which is odd because, well...I don't have a cock.
Today is a new day, and along with new days come new beginnings, and with new beginnings come new promises which then lead to new lies... Its a vicious, shitty cycle. Anywhooo, here it goes - I promise to write a blog a day for the next thirty days. And we all know that like all good people in the sales profession, Spiffy would never make a promise she truly doesn't intend to keep...
Here's my question for you - do you believe in the need for a rebound "relationship"? I personally never felt the need for a rebound. I needed to take some time off and rebuild myself - yes, but I didn't need to suck some poor sap dry of his self-esteem while rebuilding my own.
Now, with that stated, if you're both on the same page and accept that your temporary meeting of minds and body parts won't lead to anything beyond the bedroom, then go for it. Hump, bump, and pump away!
On the other hand, is it healthy to jump right from one relationship to another without either "rebounding" or just being single for a while? I know a few people who've jumped right from one to another (some while still in current relationships - yes I'm talking to you...) and are still in those relationships. They seem to be happy, so who am I to judge, right? My name ain't Judy and I don't have a gavel!
To rebound or not to rebound - that is the question...let me know what you think!
Today is a new day, and along with new days come new beginnings, and with new beginnings come new promises which then lead to new lies... Its a vicious, shitty cycle. Anywhooo, here it goes - I promise to write a blog a day for the next thirty days. And we all know that like all good people in the sales profession, Spiffy would never make a promise she truly doesn't intend to keep...
Here's my question for you - do you believe in the need for a rebound "relationship"? I personally never felt the need for a rebound. I needed to take some time off and rebuild myself - yes, but I didn't need to suck some poor sap dry of his self-esteem while rebuilding my own.
Now, with that stated, if you're both on the same page and accept that your temporary meeting of minds and body parts won't lead to anything beyond the bedroom, then go for it. Hump, bump, and pump away!
On the other hand, is it healthy to jump right from one relationship to another without either "rebounding" or just being single for a while? I know a few people who've jumped right from one to another (some while still in current relationships - yes I'm talking to you...) and are still in those relationships. They seem to be happy, so who am I to judge, right? My name ain't Judy and I don't have a gavel!
To rebound or not to rebound - that is the question...let me know what you think!
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