My title doesn't mean anything other than I'm sucked into the Bachelor...again. I empathize with these girls in that there is no way in Hell I would be able to share one guy with a bunch of hoochies. But they put themselves in the situation, so stop crying about your daddy issues, suck it up and show him you're the one for him, not looney Michelle who may have a skinned cat under her bed...I'm just sayin'.
It's time for my own confessional - I fell off the detox wagon. I can admit it. I'm not proud of it, but I've decided that it wouldn't be worth it to concoct some wild haired story about how I was abducted by a little known tribe of Carb Ninjas and forced to eat Girl Scout cookies and drink beer. Yeah...that wouldn't be believable at all...
The truth is that I finished four days and decided that I wasn't happy with the restrictions of eating only fruit and veggies; even if it was for only ten days. And I was pretty sure I had nothing left to "clean out" of my body...if you know what I mean.
So yes, I quit the detox, but no, I'm not giving up on healthy eating habits. I'm not a quitter - unless you count smoking, two marriages, and a couple of fast-food jobs.
Along with a few of my fantastic girlfriends, I started Weight Watchers today. I know the program works, I've done it before, but I've never lost all of the weight that I'd like to lose. This time, it's on like Donkey Kong! My ass is going to be so hot your eye balls will sweat every time you check it out! No more jiggles unless you're talking about my fantastic rack!
I'm not the only one - my girlfriends are already beautiful, but I can't wait to watch them shrink away while their inner-divas grow into Foxy Sirens! Meeeeooowww!
OK, I've laid down the gauntlet. I'm going to focus on putting only good things into my big mouth so that plenty more smart, funny, surly stories can come out. You've been warned.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Detox Day 3 - or "Why does asparagus make your pee smell weird?:
There comes a point after most decisions when you question what in the hell you were thinking. That's what happened to me and my co-workers during detox day three. Although I definitely questioned myself today, I still felt pretty good and I wasn't hungry - other than my constant coffee craving. Oh, and FYI, hot tea does not sate that craving. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that hot tea sucks. I'm pretty sure Juan Valdez and his ass didn't travel down a mountain with a pouch full of tea leaves, right? Nope, his pouches were full of beautiful, aromatic, tasty coffee beans....sigh...
Another ass-kicker about today, 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that I ordered three months ago arrived today. FIVE BOXES! What in the hell was I thinking?! I'm one girl! One girl who really loves cookies, mind you, but my ass doesn't love them!
My dinner this evening was a bountiful veggie feast: a pan full of fried new and sweet potatoes (yes, I can cook with olive oil. I'm not cheating), sauteed mushrooms with an anaheim pepper, onion and ginger, and an acorn squash baked with olive oil, nutmeg and cinnamon. Sounds yummy, doesn't it? Sounds like I should be living in a teepee somewhere, that's what I think! It was very yummy and I'd definitely eat any and all of these options as a side dish, but they would have been much more satisfying with a chicken breast or possibly a piece of carrot cake.
On a positive note, I woke up this morning 3 lbs thinner - that's a total of 4 lbs. gone in 3 days. I'm pretty sure I pooped most of it out, but whatever. A pound is a pound however you lose it.
Everyone keeps asking why I'm doing this and I'm beginning to not buy my own story. Cravings are the devil in disguise. They creep up on you, sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear, telling you how pretty you look, but that you'd look much prettier WITH THIS IN YOUR MOUTH!
Day three thank you for visiting. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Another ass-kicker about today, 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that I ordered three months ago arrived today. FIVE BOXES! What in the hell was I thinking?! I'm one girl! One girl who really loves cookies, mind you, but my ass doesn't love them!
My dinner this evening was a bountiful veggie feast: a pan full of fried new and sweet potatoes (yes, I can cook with olive oil. I'm not cheating), sauteed mushrooms with an anaheim pepper, onion and ginger, and an acorn squash baked with olive oil, nutmeg and cinnamon. Sounds yummy, doesn't it? Sounds like I should be living in a teepee somewhere, that's what I think! It was very yummy and I'd definitely eat any and all of these options as a side dish, but they would have been much more satisfying with a chicken breast or possibly a piece of carrot cake.
On a positive note, I woke up this morning 3 lbs thinner - that's a total of 4 lbs. gone in 3 days. I'm pretty sure I pooped most of it out, but whatever. A pound is a pound however you lose it.
Everyone keeps asking why I'm doing this and I'm beginning to not buy my own story. Cravings are the devil in disguise. They creep up on you, sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear, telling you how pretty you look, but that you'd look much prettier WITH THIS IN YOUR MOUTH!
Day three thank you for visiting. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Detox Day 2 - or "I lost 1 lb. in 1 day. I'm practically anorexic"
Ok, so I will most definitely never be mistaken for anorexic. I love my food too much and puking makes me want to puke, so we're good to go. Wait, is anorexia the kind that doesn't eat and bulimic is the one that pukes or vice versa??? I need to bone up on my eating disorders, apparently.
Anywhoooo. Day #2 was not bad at all. I did not get any lack-of-caffeine headaches, did not threaten to shiv anyone, and didn't feel like bitch slapping anyone either, so all in all, it was a good day. I really did lose 1 lb. which is probably water weight and whatnot, but I'll take it. A pound is a pound!
I did upgrade from licking a cinnamon candy to eating a peppermint candy today. I have to admit it. I can't lie. It felt good to be so bad.
I'm pretty bored with eating vegetables. Period. It only took me 48 hours to get sick of them, which is pretty good when you consider how quickly I tire of just about anything and anyone. Ask my ex-husband. (ba dum, bum).
I'm going to stick with it. I've committed to this and I believe that I need to cleanse my guts and in the process I'll cleanse my mind and my soul. I'm ready for so much more in 2011 and this is how it will all begin!
Until tomorrow...
Anywhoooo. Day #2 was not bad at all. I did not get any lack-of-caffeine headaches, did not threaten to shiv anyone, and didn't feel like bitch slapping anyone either, so all in all, it was a good day. I really did lose 1 lb. which is probably water weight and whatnot, but I'll take it. A pound is a pound!
I did upgrade from licking a cinnamon candy to eating a peppermint candy today. I have to admit it. I can't lie. It felt good to be so bad.
I'm pretty bored with eating vegetables. Period. It only took me 48 hours to get sick of them, which is pretty good when you consider how quickly I tire of just about anything and anyone. Ask my ex-husband. (ba dum, bum).
I'm going to stick with it. I've committed to this and I believe that I need to cleanse my guts and in the process I'll cleanse my mind and my soul. I'm ready for so much more in 2011 and this is how it will all begin!
Until tomorrow...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Detox Day 1 - or "The day my brain went dead."
I woke up this morning, excited and motivated to flush the toxins and crap out of my system. Today was day #1 of my 10-day fruit and veggie detox. I'm not just going to detox and then go back to eating constant crap again. I'm using this as a springboard into healthier habits in 2011. Sounds like every other resolution, huh?
Food wise, I have no complaints, other than I'm already tired of the taste of potatoes (bad news). But I do have BIG complaints about the fact that I can't have caffeine - namely coffee - for 10 days! Fucking hell shoot me!!
I never realized how much my body / brain relied on caffeine to function until I hit three reeeallly deep ruts today.
Around 9:52 am I was about to cut a bitch with my envelope opener....that's all I'm sayin'. All I wanted was coffee with cream. Give it to me and no one gets hurt. I fought through that urge by walking through the kitchen and smelling coffee (yes...smelling coffee), and drinking some really crappy peach detox tea. By 11ish, that urge had passed.
Then, around 2pm, the dull, numbness of a lack of synapses in my brain began. I was having a hard time staying awake and I may have drop kicked a cute puppy at that point. I was tired of chewing gum, tired of my fruity decaf teas and tired of the taste of vegetables, so I did what any girl with an eating disorder would do - I licked a piece of cinnamon candy. I didn't suck on it or swallow it (sorry boys), I just licked it for the shear pleasure of a cinnamon taste in my mouth...sad, but true. I've got all of the issues, yet none of the protruding hip bones to prove it.
Later, when I got home from work and walked the dogs, I sat down to check Facebook and proceeded to fall asleep sitting straight up on the couch. Computer on the lap, mouth open, possible drool - I'm not saying there was, I'm not saying there wasn't. I decided to go ahead and nap it out for a half an hour, but honestly, it's 7:40 pm and I could easily go to bed right now and sleep till my 5am alarm. Noooo problem.
I have high hopes that tomorrow won't be as bad...please don't let it be as bad...
Food wise, I have no complaints, other than I'm already tired of the taste of potatoes (bad news). But I do have BIG complaints about the fact that I can't have caffeine - namely coffee - for 10 days! Fucking hell shoot me!!
I never realized how much my body / brain relied on caffeine to function until I hit three reeeallly deep ruts today.
Around 9:52 am I was about to cut a bitch with my envelope opener....that's all I'm sayin'. All I wanted was coffee with cream. Give it to me and no one gets hurt. I fought through that urge by walking through the kitchen and smelling coffee (yes...smelling coffee), and drinking some really crappy peach detox tea. By 11ish, that urge had passed.
Then, around 2pm, the dull, numbness of a lack of synapses in my brain began. I was having a hard time staying awake and I may have drop kicked a cute puppy at that point. I was tired of chewing gum, tired of my fruity decaf teas and tired of the taste of vegetables, so I did what any girl with an eating disorder would do - I licked a piece of cinnamon candy. I didn't suck on it or swallow it (sorry boys), I just licked it for the shear pleasure of a cinnamon taste in my mouth...sad, but true. I've got all of the issues, yet none of the protruding hip bones to prove it.
Later, when I got home from work and walked the dogs, I sat down to check Facebook and proceeded to fall asleep sitting straight up on the couch. Computer on the lap, mouth open, possible drool - I'm not saying there was, I'm not saying there wasn't. I decided to go ahead and nap it out for a half an hour, but honestly, it's 7:40 pm and I could easily go to bed right now and sleep till my 5am alarm. Noooo problem.
I have high hopes that tomorrow won't be as bad...please don't let it be as bad...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Sacrificing the Spiffy Lamb
The word of the day today at Dictionary.com is 'katzenjammer'. The definition of this awesome word - "The discomfort and illness experienced as the aftereffects of excessive drinking. Hangover."
Who came up with such a kick ass word for such a shitty feeling? Well, according to said resource, Katzenjammer stems from American English, a combination of the German Katze , "cat," and jammer , "distress." The word was popularized by the early comic "The Katzenjammer Kids." I've never seen nor read that comic, but I bet it's a hoot! Think about it, a bunch of kids sitting around feeling like shit. Takes me back to high school after we drank one too many Purple Passions... Ah, the memories...
When this word showed up in my "word of the day" email I found the blog inspiration I'd been looking for. New Year's Day was nothing but 24-hours of pure katzenjammer for Spiffy. Not only could I not sit completely upright until after 1pm, I spent the entire day in self-loathing mode.
Drinking used to be fun. Back in the day when you could tear it up till 3am, wake up wearing the same clothes, reeking of smoke wondering where the fuck you are and who the fuck is laying next to you. Back then you could recover fairly quickly with nothing but a Sonic cheeseburger, a cig, and a cup of coffee. You know - the good ole' days!
Those days have long since passed. While its fun drinking the vodka/pink lemonade devil juice combo at the time, it's no fun remembering the ass you made of yourself the next day. That's why Spiffy has decided to DETOX!
My awesome, beautiful, fit, hot yoga instructor passed along a fruit and veggie only 10-day detox diet and, starting Monday, it's on like Donkey Kong!
Nothing but fruit and veggies for 10 days. No caffeine, no alcohol, no chemicals, no fun, but plenty of headaches and bitching. Sounds like a party you wouldn't want to miss, huh?!
I'm going to try to post a new blog every day so you can all experience the atonement for my sins of excess right along with me. Hopefully at the end of the detox I'll be a few pounds lighter and free of the carb chains that bind me, leaving more room for my smart-ass attitude!
Who came up with such a kick ass word for such a shitty feeling? Well, according to said resource, Katzenjammer stems from American English, a combination of the German Katze , "cat," and jammer , "distress." The word was popularized by the early comic "The Katzenjammer Kids." I've never seen nor read that comic, but I bet it's a hoot! Think about it, a bunch of kids sitting around feeling like shit. Takes me back to high school after we drank one too many Purple Passions... Ah, the memories...
When this word showed up in my "word of the day" email I found the blog inspiration I'd been looking for. New Year's Day was nothing but 24-hours of pure katzenjammer for Spiffy. Not only could I not sit completely upright until after 1pm, I spent the entire day in self-loathing mode.
Drinking used to be fun. Back in the day when you could tear it up till 3am, wake up wearing the same clothes, reeking of smoke wondering where the fuck you are and who the fuck is laying next to you. Back then you could recover fairly quickly with nothing but a Sonic cheeseburger, a cig, and a cup of coffee. You know - the good ole' days!
Those days have long since passed. While its fun drinking the vodka/pink lemonade devil juice combo at the time, it's no fun remembering the ass you made of yourself the next day. That's why Spiffy has decided to DETOX!
My awesome, beautiful, fit, hot yoga instructor passed along a fruit and veggie only 10-day detox diet and, starting Monday, it's on like Donkey Kong!
Nothing but fruit and veggies for 10 days. No caffeine, no alcohol, no chemicals, no fun, but plenty of headaches and bitching. Sounds like a party you wouldn't want to miss, huh?!
I'm going to try to post a new blog every day so you can all experience the atonement for my sins of excess right along with me. Hopefully at the end of the detox I'll be a few pounds lighter and free of the carb chains that bind me, leaving more room for my smart-ass attitude!
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