I graduated from college three weeks ago. After 23 years, I finally have a Bachelor's of Science in Marketing Management (I'll pause for applause ... thank you ... ).
I've been working on finishing my degree hard core for the past six years. I've passed up on parties (OK ... I didn't pass on too many parties), but my social and dating life definitely took a hit. I gladly sacrificed because finishing this leg of my education was so very, very important to me.
I'm so very, very proud of myself and my accomplishment, but now I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that there has to be more to life, or more specifically, more to MY life. What's next? I spent six years working so hard, something great has to come out of this, right?
I'm beginning to wonder what defines me. I'm no longer a student, I'm not a mother, I'm not a wife - what or who am I??
I feel like I need to figure out a way to be more of a citizen of the WORLD than just a "being."
I've been working on finishing this blog entry for three weeks and it still hasn't come together. My thoughts keep coming out in choppy sentences, so please forgive my lack of flow (and wit, apparently). I think I'll finish with bullet points ...
- My job does not fulfill, challenge or enlighten me. I need to be fulfilled, challenged and enlightened.
- I need to figure out what my "legacy" will be. It's unlikely I'll have children, so what will I leave behind? How will the world remember me?
- What can I do to be a better citizen of the world? There are so many people who "need." What can I do to help?
- Lastly, WTF is wrong with my stomach and why won't it quit churning? (OK, that really doesn't have anything to do with my philosophical introspection, but my stomach is currently jacked.)
Does anyone have any advice for good, ole Spiffy? Help me find my way through the forest of questions running through my head ...
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
*Warning* Serious Shit Below. Seriously.
A local TV personality took his own life this week. What does that have to do with me? I wasn't directly affected by the loss, but it made me stop and reflect on my past struggles, so I thought I'd share.
My heart hurts to think about the pain he must have been in to finally make the decision to take his own life. On the outside he seemed happy, but I know that it's easy for people to mistake a happy face for a happy heart. Unfortunately, that's not always the case.
I'll start by letting you all know that I am not currently suffering from depression. I am not taking any medication and I'm happy with my life. This wasn't always the case.
In the late 90's, I think around 98-99, I was depressed. I couldn't figure out why or how to make it better and felt like if I told anyone, they'd think I was crazy. Unfortunately, I come from a long line of crazy women, so I was doomed to deal with it one day ... :)
I lived in a cool apartment, I had a good job, I was in great shape and I had a lot of friends. The problem was, I could barely make myself get out of bed and function in the morning. I was so sad, I just wanted to sleep, and actually fantasized about how nice it would be to just NOT wake up.
I never tried to take my life, but I seriously thought about it. Seriously.
I finally saw a doctor, sought therapy and started taking medication. It's hard to admit that I needed to take meds, but the fact is that depression is a REAL illness. Chemical imbalance isn't something that will just "miraculously" correct itself.
Eventually, things were once again "rosy" and I didn't need the meds any more. Unfortunately, a few years later I was hit with the life equivalent of a Mack truck when I suffered two miscarriages in the scope of a year. You talk about chemical imbalance! My hormones were FUCKED UP!
This time instead of sleeping my life away, I decided to self-destruct. I started smoking and drinking heavily, withdrew from my friends, and pushed my husband as far away from me as I could by cheating on him. I didn't feel worthy of his love or anyone's love for that matter, so I did my best to make sure people didn't like me, and it worked.
It took a couple of years to pull myself out of the hole I dug, but I finally did and I'm at peace with who I am today. I regret the mistakes that I made and how I treated my husband, friends and family, but I made it through and I still have my friends and family. The husband, well, he moved on ... :)
There was one friend in particular who stuck by me at my worst and didn't turn her back on me when I was VERY unloveable. My girl, Jennifer, never judged me, she always listened to me and helped me feel better about myself. I love you, Jen. :)
A few people have asked my why/how I can share so much about myself on my blog. Trust me, I don't share everything, but if I can tell a story that someone else may relate to, then I feel it's worth it.
We don't live in a bubble. We need to remember that our lives affect others, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively.
If you have a friend who is struggling with something in their life, reach out and offer them a shoulder to cry on or ear to bend. Let them know that you care about them. Do something, just don't turn your back on them when they need you most.
My heart hurts to think about the pain he must have been in to finally make the decision to take his own life. On the outside he seemed happy, but I know that it's easy for people to mistake a happy face for a happy heart. Unfortunately, that's not always the case.
I'll start by letting you all know that I am not currently suffering from depression. I am not taking any medication and I'm happy with my life. This wasn't always the case.
In the late 90's, I think around 98-99, I was depressed. I couldn't figure out why or how to make it better and felt like if I told anyone, they'd think I was crazy. Unfortunately, I come from a long line of crazy women, so I was doomed to deal with it one day ... :)
I lived in a cool apartment, I had a good job, I was in great shape and I had a lot of friends. The problem was, I could barely make myself get out of bed and function in the morning. I was so sad, I just wanted to sleep, and actually fantasized about how nice it would be to just NOT wake up.
I never tried to take my life, but I seriously thought about it. Seriously.
I finally saw a doctor, sought therapy and started taking medication. It's hard to admit that I needed to take meds, but the fact is that depression is a REAL illness. Chemical imbalance isn't something that will just "miraculously" correct itself.
Eventually, things were once again "rosy" and I didn't need the meds any more. Unfortunately, a few years later I was hit with the life equivalent of a Mack truck when I suffered two miscarriages in the scope of a year. You talk about chemical imbalance! My hormones were FUCKED UP!
This time instead of sleeping my life away, I decided to self-destruct. I started smoking and drinking heavily, withdrew from my friends, and pushed my husband as far away from me as I could by cheating on him. I didn't feel worthy of his love or anyone's love for that matter, so I did my best to make sure people didn't like me, and it worked.
It took a couple of years to pull myself out of the hole I dug, but I finally did and I'm at peace with who I am today. I regret the mistakes that I made and how I treated my husband, friends and family, but I made it through and I still have my friends and family. The husband, well, he moved on ... :)
There was one friend in particular who stuck by me at my worst and didn't turn her back on me when I was VERY unloveable. My girl, Jennifer, never judged me, she always listened to me and helped me feel better about myself. I love you, Jen. :)
A few people have asked my why/how I can share so much about myself on my blog. Trust me, I don't share everything, but if I can tell a story that someone else may relate to, then I feel it's worth it.
We don't live in a bubble. We need to remember that our lives affect others, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively.
If you have a friend who is struggling with something in their life, reach out and offer them a shoulder to cry on or ear to bend. Let them know that you care about them. Do something, just don't turn your back on them when they need you most.
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