Have I mentioned lately how hard it is for me to accept my age? Maybe that's not the right way to put it. I accept my age, I just don't know what my age is supposed to "feel" like.
My 20 year old self thought that my 40 year old self would have accomplished more by now. Maybe I'm too hard on my 40 year old self. I've accomplished a lot, seen a lot, done a lot, but there is still much more that I'd like to accomplish, see and do. (inner dialogue... "So suck it, 20 year old Spiffy! You can't make me feel bad about myself!" And...scene...).
That segues nicely into what's been bugging me lately - I've got a hair up my ass to buy a house or a condo or a town home. Basically I feel I need to "own" something. Which leads to the problem that we all have. What makes the world go 'round? Money!
Well, my problem is a lack of money. If I had money, I wouldn't be blogging to you suckers! I'd be in Europe having sex with hot Irish or Scottish dudes (maybe both..deal), shopping, seeing the world and saving puppies. Seriously.
Why is it so difficult to live the American dream? Don't get me wrong, I understand fully that I've got it made compared to many other people in the US, let alone the rest of the world, but I still wish I could catch a break once in a while.
Maybe that's my problem; I'm waiting around to catch a break when what I need to do is to release control of an uncontrollable situation and accept that I have all that I need. If I start giving more, the universe will return more to me. I sound like I should be sitting in Lotus, chanting in a temple somewhere, concentrating on my third-eye, huh? Actually, that sounds like something I should be doing...but I digress...
Back to owning my own home. I hear it from my friends all of the time, "Why don't you buy a house?" "You're wasting so much money on rent!" And, you know what, they're probably right, but owning is such a huge commitment.
What if I don't like it? What if something blows up or breaks and I can't afford to fix it? What if? What if? What if?!! I think this is why I've had a headache for a few days. I worry about all of the "what if's" because I'm scared of the commitment.
In the back of my mind I still believe that Mr. Right will come along and we'll want to make a life together, or I'll graduate from college this year and get a kick-ass job in some other state, or who the hell knows. Truth is, Spiffy, if it happens, you'll figure it out. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable!
There! I got it off my chest! I've had writers block for a month now. I didn't know what to write about because, believe it or not, I don't like people knowing what's going on in my head. It easier to show the surface than what lies beneath the murky water. Consider this my 'blog therapy', no couch or Kleenex necessary!
I'm going to move forward in my "dream" to be a homeowner once again. There are some circumstances that must be met, but if it's meant to be, it will be.
I would appreciate it if you would all put happy, positive thoughts out into the universe for me. I promise, I'll send them back to you. Namaste. :)
