Things That Perplex Me - by Spiffy Chick
- The main street in front of my house has two lanes in each direction in addition to a turn lane. Why in the H. E. double hockey sticks can't morons turn into ONE lane and then into their turn lane? Why stradle the lanes and turn impatient drivers like me into horn-honking bitches??! It's not like you're in a Humvee for fuck's sake. You'll fit neatly into your turn lane. Try it!
- Why am I becoming less and less of a believer in true love and romance in my real life, but I let movies like Avatar get me all teary-eyed? Seriously, I'm a sap for movie love stories. I came across "Failure to Launch" with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey on TBS this morning and found myself believing the stupid story. I mean come on...how could Terry Bradshaw and Kathy Bates bump uglies and make something as hot as MMc? It would never happen! Oh, and Avatar made me want to become an alien...then maybe I'd be understood... Balls!
- How much did they pay the writers of the Hangover 2? Whatever it was, it was too much. I'm pretty sure they took the first script, changed a few lines, changed the location and voila! So disappointing...although I did still want to ride Bradley Cooper like a wild pony and found myself wondering whether I could find a "girly-boy" show in KC...
- Why can't guys make plans if they want to see you? Do you really think we're going to drop everything because you texted us at 4pm to see "what's up"? Apparently you do, so let me answer this question for you - no. Try making actual plans at least a day in advance. You'd be amazed at how much more receptive women are to plans. Remember the three P's: Plans = possible play. I have to leave "possible" in there because you still may screw it up we all need an out.
- I cashed in frequent flyer miles last year for a subscription to The Economist and I continue to get magazines. Each week I open my mailbox and there is another Economist staring at me, reminding me of the unrequited love of Professor Dan. Who is Professor Dan, you ask? He was my Econ teacher. I fell in lust with his big, beautiful brain a couple of years ago and asked him out at the end of the semester. I drew a "Production Possibilities" chart comparing coffee to conversation. "More coffee = more conversation, Professor Dan...want to have coffee with me and find out?" Alas, we did not have the chance to test the theory of my chart. Probably for the best since he was missing one of his legs from the knee down and that could have thrown a wrench into sexy time...(I kid. Professor Dan if you ever read this, know that we'd have a lot of production possibilities...)
- Do people actually think they will get their way if they throw a shit-fit and start demanding action? Case in point - last week I was checking into my flight. My flight was delayed and I was disappointed, but I know that you'll get more flies with sugar, so I smiled all the way through. She put me on a direct flight and gave me $13 in vouchers. SCORE! (Oh wait...they aren't good for booze...damn.) The douchbag next to me started yelling at the lady behind the counter, making excuses as to why he hadn't checked into the flight that was leaving in five minutes. Yadda yadda. "I'm active duty military!" Yadda, yadda. "I ship out in a month!" Yadda yadda. "You're a fucking idiot!" Then, after being told over and over that he couldn't get on the flight, he started screaming like a two-year old. No shit. Literally growling, grunting, screaming. It was the most disgusting display of childish disrespect I've ever seen and I hope someone got his information and reported him to his superior. Shame on you!
- I have a thing for food shoved into pastries or pasta. For some reason if you take meat, cheese and a veggie and shove it into something and fry it up, my taste buds automatically assume it's going to kick serious ass! It's so convenient and compact; two of the main discerning factors when considering meals, right along with "what can I dip it in" and "will it make me gassy"? Wontons - awesome. Crab rangoon - delicious. Spanakopita - sinful. Pierogies - a waste of chewing. I now need to re-think my food factors...
- We've had some really bad storms in the midwest this month. The tornado that took out Joplin has made everyone a little jumpy when the wind starts blowing. Last week we had a real-life tornado warning at work and had to take cover. We've had plenty of drills reviewing what to do in the event of an actual warning, but as we were heading four stories under ground into our concrete parking garage, I finally found myself wondering, "what the fuck are they thinking?" Why would we want to be stuck under tons of concrete should a tornado decide to take out our eight story building? Does that seem logical to you? Luckily nothing happened and we all went back to work after an hour and a half. Although while I was stuck underground, I did start eliminating who I would and wouldn't eat if it came down to it. There is this one hot guy who would be top of my list to eat. He's pretty muscly, but let's just say I wouldn't start with his biceps... :)
Until I find more perplexities...
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sage Advice from Spiffy...
Ann Landers. Dear Abby. Oprah. Yoda. Spiffy Chick. Three wise women, a Jedi master and a fictional character. You decide which is which, but remember...(Oprah can see everything...)
As a certified Jedi master, I feel it is my duty to bestow sage advice to my twelve or so followers. So, listen up!
- Don't ask a girl out for lunch and before you even meet, tell her that you "haven't lost your winter weight." What's she supposed to say to that? "Well, OK...black is slimming and stay away from the chips and salsa.." I mean seriously?? Play up the positive and let her figure out what a disappointment you are on date #3 or however long it takes you to get her into bed.
- You've heard the adage, "Don't hate the playa, hate the game," right? Well Spiffy says, "Play on, playa!" If you're lucky enough to have two or more people lined up at once, do what you gotta do! Spread it around, just be smart about it. What you shouldn't do is tell the person who set you up with one of your "suitees" that you're messing around with another one of her friends. Stupid. Bonehead. Move.
- Ladies - don't play your relationship issues out on Facebook. I'm sorry if your guy is a douche bag disappointment, but I guarantee as soon as he buys you a bouquet of cheap flowers and tells you how sorry he is while slipping you the bone, you'll forgive him and feel like an idiot for spouting off. Save your fights for the bedroom. Makeup sex is awesome! (at least from what I remember...)
- Speaking of Facebook, you do realize that if FB says your in a relationship, it's the real deal. I mean it's Facebook for fuck's sake! It's more binding than a marriage certificate! Don't change your FB status to "In a Relationship," then change it to "It's complicated," then back to "Single," all in the matter of 24-hours. Make up your fucking mind. It's not that complicated and, quite frankly I'm tired of seeing it on my news feed.
Advice for you I have no more. Good week you should have and cool you should stay... :)
As a certified Jedi master, I feel it is my duty to bestow sage advice to my twelve or so followers. So, listen up!
- Don't ask a girl out for lunch and before you even meet, tell her that you "haven't lost your winter weight." What's she supposed to say to that? "Well, OK...black is slimming and stay away from the chips and salsa.." I mean seriously?? Play up the positive and let her figure out what a disappointment you are on date #3 or however long it takes you to get her into bed.
- You've heard the adage, "Don't hate the playa, hate the game," right? Well Spiffy says, "Play on, playa!" If you're lucky enough to have two or more people lined up at once, do what you gotta do! Spread it around, just be smart about it. What you shouldn't do is tell the person who set you up with one of your "suitees" that you're messing around with another one of her friends. Stupid. Bonehead. Move.
- Ladies - don't play your relationship issues out on Facebook. I'm sorry if your guy is a douche bag disappointment, but I guarantee as soon as he buys you a bouquet of cheap flowers and tells you how sorry he is while slipping you the bone, you'll forgive him and feel like an idiot for spouting off. Save your fights for the bedroom. Makeup sex is awesome! (at least from what I remember...)
- Speaking of Facebook, you do realize that if FB says your in a relationship, it's the real deal. I mean it's Facebook for fuck's sake! It's more binding than a marriage certificate! Don't change your FB status to "In a Relationship," then change it to "It's complicated," then back to "Single," all in the matter of 24-hours. Make up your fucking mind. It's not that complicated and, quite frankly I'm tired of seeing it on my news feed.
Advice for you I have no more. Good week you should have and cool you should stay... :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
You stuck what where??
I had lunch with a good friend of mine today and during our always enlightening conversation, he told me a story about a friend of a friend. I have decided to share that story with you, because it was that disgusting and outrageous. And as you can tell by previous posts, I'm all about sharing disgusting, outrageous stories!
Before I begin the story, I'd like you to take a moment, stop and ask yourself, "Self, what could I realistically stick up my own ass and feel OK about it?" Now that I've burned that picture into your brain, allow me to begin.
This friend of a friend, or "FOAF," and the the guy she's currently dating decided to stop by their local Walmart on the way home from who knows where, probably Chili's where they loaded up on chili cheese taters or something.
While in Walmart, they thought it would be a good idea to pick up a dog collar. I should mention that I don't believe they have a dog. Now the details of the actual dog collar are fuzzy. It was either a collar or a chain lead, but either way - it was meant FOR A FUCKING DOG!
When they got home from Walmart and got all lubed up and ready to fornicate, they decided to each stick an end of the dog collar up their own ass while having sex. I'm not sure who got the buckle end...ugh...(shiver), but the entire situation gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
So, here's what I find wrong with this scenario: 1) Even if they did sell sex toys at Walmart, have you seen the fucking people who shop at Walmart? If you're that much of a freak (and kudos to you both by the way), you should have a line of credit at Cirillas or whatever it's called nowadays. 2) They do make real sex toys that you can simultaneously stick up each other's asses, like anal beads, geniuses!
Kudos to them for improvising, I guess, but geez...a dog collar?? There are a few things I'd consider sticking up my own ass. A dog collar - not one of them.
I'll let you all imagine your own ass forging. Ruff!
Before I begin the story, I'd like you to take a moment, stop and ask yourself, "Self, what could I realistically stick up my own ass and feel OK about it?" Now that I've burned that picture into your brain, allow me to begin.
This friend of a friend, or "FOAF," and the the guy she's currently dating decided to stop by their local Walmart on the way home from who knows where, probably Chili's where they loaded up on chili cheese taters or something.
While in Walmart, they thought it would be a good idea to pick up a dog collar. I should mention that I don't believe they have a dog. Now the details of the actual dog collar are fuzzy. It was either a collar or a chain lead, but either way - it was meant FOR A FUCKING DOG!
When they got home from Walmart and got all lubed up and ready to fornicate, they decided to each stick an end of the dog collar up their own ass while having sex. I'm not sure who got the buckle end...ugh...(shiver), but the entire situation gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
So, here's what I find wrong with this scenario: 1) Even if they did sell sex toys at Walmart, have you seen the fucking people who shop at Walmart? If you're that much of a freak (and kudos to you both by the way), you should have a line of credit at Cirillas or whatever it's called nowadays. 2) They do make real sex toys that you can simultaneously stick up each other's asses, like anal beads, geniuses!
Kudos to them for improvising, I guess, but geez...a dog collar?? There are a few things I'd consider sticking up my own ass. A dog collar - not one of them.
I'll let you all imagine your own ass forging. Ruff!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Random thoughts by Spiffy...
I've said this before and I'll say it again, and possibly a few more times in the future. I don't know how to be 40. So I just wake up each day and pretend that I'm not....
Total tangent - what did we do before the cell phone? I mean, how did we get by without the ability to sext or send obscene pictures through our phone, that we just took with our phone??
Speaking of dirty pictures, have you ever tried to take a picture of your girly bits with a Polaroid? I have and it's not easy! I wasted at least 5 pictures trying to get the angle right without showing too much chub or hail damage. I mean I'm flexible, but there isn't much pretty about contorting at those angles...
Why in the world would anyone want to be peed on? I mean seriously?! How is it sexy to have someone release their afternoon coffee on your stomach? Gross.
Gouchos. What the fuck and why? I ask the same question of prairie shirts / skirts.
Whatever happened to Dido?
Dido makes me think of dildo....(giggle).
If I could play any instrument it would be the drums. Unfortunately, I'm not that coordinated. If you've ever seen my Rush air drum performance, you'd agree.
My parents were going to name me Rachel. I'm glad they didn't.
Cheryl Wolfe from Winnetonka used to call me Roxanne. I've used that as my bar name once or twice. Along with "Vageena" and "Clytorice."
I think it would be totally cool to have lunch with my late grandma and grandpa at the age I am now. There are so many things I'd like to know about them and so much that I'd like them to know about me.
I secretly think I'm an awesome hip hop dancer, but in reality, I'm not.
Peace out. :)
Total tangent - what did we do before the cell phone? I mean, how did we get by without the ability to sext or send obscene pictures through our phone, that we just took with our phone??
Speaking of dirty pictures, have you ever tried to take a picture of your girly bits with a Polaroid? I have and it's not easy! I wasted at least 5 pictures trying to get the angle right without showing too much chub or hail damage. I mean I'm flexible, but there isn't much pretty about contorting at those angles...
Why in the world would anyone want to be peed on? I mean seriously?! How is it sexy to have someone release their afternoon coffee on your stomach? Gross.
Gouchos. What the fuck and why? I ask the same question of prairie shirts / skirts.
Whatever happened to Dido?
Dido makes me think of dildo....(giggle).
If I could play any instrument it would be the drums. Unfortunately, I'm not that coordinated. If you've ever seen my Rush air drum performance, you'd agree.
My parents were going to name me Rachel. I'm glad they didn't.
Cheryl Wolfe from Winnetonka used to call me Roxanne. I've used that as my bar name once or twice. Along with "Vageena" and "Clytorice."
I think it would be totally cool to have lunch with my late grandma and grandpa at the age I am now. There are so many things I'd like to know about them and so much that I'd like them to know about me.
I secretly think I'm an awesome hip hop dancer, but in reality, I'm not.
Peace out. :)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
For once...it wasn't me...
I have some really great friends who live all over the place: Cali, Connecticut, Ohio, some other states out east, some other states out west, Atlanta, Florida, yadda yadda, north of the river in MO, and how can I forget - Gardner, Kansas.
My friends in Gardner like to throw parties. Give them the slightest reason and it's a firepit and SoCo shots all around! Whoo! Oh, and don't forget the beer pong...gotta have the beer pong.
Most of the time I end up shit faced and showing my boobs or making some sort of ass out of myself at the "G-Town" parties. Case in point: New Years Eve 2008 into 2009. Spiffy was invited to a party and had never before met the hosts. The theme to the party - Beer from Around the World.
Everyone brought beer from around the world and each hour, everyone got to slam one beer from around the world. This, on top of the concoction I've now labeled "Pink Death," aka vodka and pink lemonade.
Needless to say, Spiffy was slurry and blurry waaaay before midnight. My fellow "Obama Gal" Val and I got into a very intelligent political argument with the Republican party host (I'm sure we supported our point of view with both penetrating and factual pieces of information. I'm just sure of it...).
After said debate, or "scream fest," someone must have dared me to show my boobs. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but it was probably, "Hey (insert Spiffy's name), show yer tits!" Apparently after many trips around the world and at least 32 oz. of Pink Death, showing my tits was a good idea, so I did. And cameras were there to capture the magic! Yeah!
On a positive note, I did receive efficacious praise regarding how "nice my tits" were, so I had that going for me...
Make your point, Spiff...OK, so my point is this. I usually make an ass out of myself at G-Town parties, but last night, I DIDN'T! It wasn't me who went around the party showing off her girly bits. It wasn't me who went a little kooky and started blessing the crowd with her "vagina water." It wasn't me who chased people around the fire trying to throw said "vagina water" on them. It wasn't me...
As I tell this story, I'm still slightly hung over, but I'm laughing at all of the fun we had last night. I love my friends. They are crazy and funny and I wouldn't have it any other way. And also, because I'm pretty sure I'll make an ass out of myself at one of the parties soon, so I'm pointing fingers while I can. :)
My friends in Gardner like to throw parties. Give them the slightest reason and it's a firepit and SoCo shots all around! Whoo! Oh, and don't forget the beer pong...gotta have the beer pong.
Most of the time I end up shit faced and showing my boobs or making some sort of ass out of myself at the "G-Town" parties. Case in point: New Years Eve 2008 into 2009. Spiffy was invited to a party and had never before met the hosts. The theme to the party - Beer from Around the World.
Everyone brought beer from around the world and each hour, everyone got to slam one beer from around the world. This, on top of the concoction I've now labeled "Pink Death," aka vodka and pink lemonade.
Needless to say, Spiffy was slurry and blurry waaaay before midnight. My fellow "Obama Gal" Val and I got into a very intelligent political argument with the Republican party host (I'm sure we supported our point of view with both penetrating and factual pieces of information. I'm just sure of it...).
After said debate, or "scream fest," someone must have dared me to show my boobs. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but it was probably, "Hey (insert Spiffy's name), show yer tits!" Apparently after many trips around the world and at least 32 oz. of Pink Death, showing my tits was a good idea, so I did. And cameras were there to capture the magic! Yeah!
On a positive note, I did receive efficacious praise regarding how "nice my tits" were, so I had that going for me...
Make your point, Spiff...OK, so my point is this. I usually make an ass out of myself at G-Town parties, but last night, I DIDN'T! It wasn't me who went around the party showing off her girly bits. It wasn't me who went a little kooky and started blessing the crowd with her "vagina water." It wasn't me who chased people around the fire trying to throw said "vagina water" on them. It wasn't me...
As I tell this story, I'm still slightly hung over, but I'm laughing at all of the fun we had last night. I love my friends. They are crazy and funny and I wouldn't have it any other way. And also, because I'm pretty sure I'll make an ass out of myself at one of the parties soon, so I'm pointing fingers while I can. :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Revision: "I'll blog whenever I can remember, hopefully every day..."
I went to bed last night and neglected to turn the world on with my smile...or in this case, my blog.
Here's my dilemma - I waded in the shallow end if you will and threw down an NC-17 blog the other day. I used the word “cock ring” and “vibrator” in the same blog. Some people were shocked, others secretly titillated, others openly titillated. Heck, there’s probably one or two of you right now who are either getting a slight chubby at my use of the word titillate (now three times) or giggling because it’s a funny word. Personally, I’m a giggler.
I think there may be some high expectations out there for me to keep it on the A-Train to Nastyville, but I don't think I'm going to take it there tonight. After all, it’s Thursday and while I’m not a religious person, I believe next Thursday is Maundy Thursday and I don’t want to piss any Catholics off exactly one week before a religious holiday.
Instead, tonight I’ll pay homage to one of my dear friends by mentioning nice things about her and why I’m glad she’s a part of my life (awwww….). Now don’t get all pissy if you don’t see your name this time. I’ll try to say something nice about you soon. Or maybe something not so nice, but you’ll be mentioned, so chill!
I kid…
My friend Courtney is hands-down the kindest person that I know. The great thing about her kindness is that she’s kind to EVERYONE. Seriously. She always asks if I want anything from the cafeteria when she goes there for lunch, she’s always got a positive attitude, and she’s been my sounding board and shoulder to cry on when I was at my lowest. She makes me laugh and most importantly, as I discovered today, she has the rhythm of a one-legged drunk and doesn’t care! Everyone send her positive vibes – she’s training for her first 5k! Go, Courtney, go!! I only hope that I bring as much to your life as you bring to mine. xoxo
OK, that’s enough of “Sappy Spiffy” for one night. Titillate. :)
Here's my dilemma - I waded in the shallow end if you will and threw down an NC-17 blog the other day. I used the word “cock ring” and “vibrator” in the same blog. Some people were shocked, others secretly titillated, others openly titillated. Heck, there’s probably one or two of you right now who are either getting a slight chubby at my use of the word titillate (now three times) or giggling because it’s a funny word. Personally, I’m a giggler.
I think there may be some high expectations out there for me to keep it on the A-Train to Nastyville, but I don't think I'm going to take it there tonight. After all, it’s Thursday and while I’m not a religious person, I believe next Thursday is Maundy Thursday and I don’t want to piss any Catholics off exactly one week before a religious holiday.
Instead, tonight I’ll pay homage to one of my dear friends by mentioning nice things about her and why I’m glad she’s a part of my life (awwww….). Now don’t get all pissy if you don’t see your name this time. I’ll try to say something nice about you soon. Or maybe something not so nice, but you’ll be mentioned, so chill!
I kid…
My friend Courtney is hands-down the kindest person that I know. The great thing about her kindness is that she’s kind to EVERYONE. Seriously. She always asks if I want anything from the cafeteria when she goes there for lunch, she’s always got a positive attitude, and she’s been my sounding board and shoulder to cry on when I was at my lowest. She makes me laugh and most importantly, as I discovered today, she has the rhythm of a one-legged drunk and doesn’t care! Everyone send her positive vibes – she’s training for her first 5k! Go, Courtney, go!! I only hope that I bring as much to your life as you bring to mine. xoxo
OK, that’s enough of “Sappy Spiffy” for one night. Titillate. :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Day 2...um, I mean 3 of the "Blog a Day" challenge
If I'm anything, it's honest. And if I'm anything else, it's a smart ass. But I digress.
I said I'd write a blog a day for the next 30 days and I didn't get around to writing last night. But, by the response from my Sunday blog, no one gives a shit anyway. All I can hear in my head are crickets chirping and the voice of this asshole I dated in my early 20's saying, "No one else may think you're pretty, but I think you're pretty." Yeah, he was a misogynistic, abusive, prick. And I am pretty, so suck it Louis Mayorga.
A friend of mine keeps telling me that I should write about vibrators. I'm not sure how much you'll want to talk about your personal vibrator experience, but I will say this - every girl should have one. Here's a cartoon rendition of my favorite. He looks kind of, um speedy, and maybe a little "bad," huh?? :)
OK, along that line, I have a question for you. If you own a "sexual toy" and have used said "sexual toy" with a partner, and later break up with that partner, is it appropriate to use the same "sexual toy" with your next partner? My philosophy is what they won't know won't hurt 'em and that cock ring cost me $20, so deal with it, but what about you?
Happy Tuesday! :)
I said I'd write a blog a day for the next 30 days and I didn't get around to writing last night. But, by the response from my Sunday blog, no one gives a shit anyway. All I can hear in my head are crickets chirping and the voice of this asshole I dated in my early 20's saying, "No one else may think you're pretty, but I think you're pretty." Yeah, he was a misogynistic, abusive, prick. And I am pretty, so suck it Louis Mayorga.
A friend of mine keeps telling me that I should write about vibrators. I'm not sure how much you'll want to talk about your personal vibrator experience, but I will say this - every girl should have one. Here's a cartoon rendition of my favorite. He looks kind of, um speedy, and maybe a little "bad," huh?? :)
OK, along that line, I have a question for you. If you own a "sexual toy" and have used said "sexual toy" with a partner, and later break up with that partner, is it appropriate to use the same "sexual toy" with your next partner? My philosophy is what they won't know won't hurt 'em and that cock ring cost me $20, so deal with it, but what about you?
Happy Tuesday! :)
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