Pants? Who needs 'em?!

It is officially too hot for pants.  I've decided that it's pants-free Thursday and I'm feeling pretty good about it.  I invite you all to strip down and join in the revolution! Cellulite, be damned!

So the Supreme Court upheld "Obamacare" today. The raging liberal in me has been flying imaginary birds at all of the Republicans I know, and anyone I come across who I think may be a Republican.  It's been fun. The rest of me just wonders, "what's next?"

I don't for a second believe the "Rs" will let this go and if Obama can't hold onto the White House, who knows what Romney and his Magical Pants Posse will do?
I'm excited that birth control pills will soon be free so I can have unprotected sex with men and not worry about getting knocked up - that's the bonus for me! (Disclaimer: I do not have unprotected sex with random men ... only one ... and he's fixed.)

We'll see how this continues to play out.  Like everything else in politics, I'm sure it will be blown up, over-exaggerated and beaten into the ground while the Republicans continue in their efforts to deport the "illegals" who are putting their blood, sweat and tears into doing the jobs their white collar lazy asses wouldn't do anyway. But, I digress ...

Now, onto the fun stuff, what have I learned this past week?

- I've learned that opportunities are presented to you for a reason and they should be considered with an open mind and open heart.  I'll leave it at that for now.

- I've learned that while things may look great on the outside, often times it's not so great on the inside.  To my friend who decided to go back to being single this week - you're beautiful and smart and deserve the best.  Don't settle for illusions, uncertainty and broken promises.

- I've learned that regardless of who it is, it's kind of flattering to be hit on at a CVS Pharmacy. Or anywhere for that matter.  I looked good in my black dress and he noticed.  Thank you random black guy.  I appreciate the compliment!

- I've been reminded that I don't care how cheap the wine, if it's cold, it tastes good when it's 110 degrees outside.

That's all.  Peace, love and pants-free fun!

I'm a bloody wealth of knowledge. For reals.

True to my word, it's time for me to share some of my newly acquired "Spiffy wisdom."

Today was an average day. A day like most others, except that today, I learned the symptoms of syphillis. You may have two questions: 1) why wouldn't you already know this and, 2) why in the hell do you need to know the symptoms of syphillis?!?

Allow me to address your questions first: 1) I've never worried about contracting syphillis as I'm not a sailor, nor am I a scoundrel (while I do cuss and act like one occasionally). 2) While perusing the news today, I came across an article about syphillis and how it's soon becoming an untreatable STD as it's adapting to all different antibiotics.  It's becoming the SUPER STD!  Flying through your bloodstream with the greatest of ease.  It's a sore!  It's a rash!  It's blindness, nerve damage and mental disorders!

This article lead to a discussion regarding which STD could cause body parts to fall off as one of my co-workers swears she heard about a guy losing his nose from a rogue, un-treated STD.  I still haven't figured that one out, so if any of you have an answer to that, let me know! 

The second thing I've learned (which I've actually known for a while, but I'm reminded of it each time I pack for a work trip) is that I want to get one of those cool, hard-cased, carry-on size roller bags.  Maybe I could get one with a skull and cross-bones on the outside; that would be FANTASTIC!  Any suggestions?

Until next time ...

Lessons learned and miscellaneous Jibber-jabber

So, you all should know that while I was driving home tonight, I saw Hot Dad driving down the highway next to me!  Yep, he was alive and since he was driving, he obviously hadn't lost his hands, so that couldn't be the reason why he never called me. ;)  I think I'll chalk that one up to fate since I'm much better off with my guy, who also happens to be a hot dad. :)

Since I haven't been able to do much in the way of entertaining the blogosphere lately, I thought I'd make a concerted effort to learn something new every day and share it with the world ... I have a few days of catching up to do, so here's what I've learned lately:

- Blue fingernails are fun until one breaks off and leaves your hand looking mishapen and nubbish (see below for proof).

 

- People in motor cycle clubs are not supposed to wear their patches into restaurants or bar establishments. Doing so could result in a fist to the face or foot up the ass.

- The longer you're in a relationship, the easier it is to justify leaving the house looking like a homeless crack whore: jammie pants, t-shirt / no bra, no make-up, hair disheveled ... you get the picture. I justified my bedraggled look because I was going to get a spray tan, which leads me to the next lesson...

- Versa Spa tans are awesome and don't leave you stinking like cold, wet french fries. Try it! (Note: Spiffy Chick did not get paid for this endorsement, but she'd gladly accept free tans. Thank you).

- Sometimes men have PMS worse than women. All of the bitching and none of the bloating. 

- As much as I love babies, stick me in a room with screaming kids for five minutes and my ovaries revolt.

- Sometimes my dogs really piss me off, but when I'm away from them for more than two days, I miss their stinky, snoring, chubby asses horribly!

- There are few things more amazing than hearing a lion carol or a tiger growl in person. It gives you the chills!

And, the final lesson I've learned lately is that there is always something new to learn. Once you think you know it all, you cease to be bewildered by all that life has to teach you. I refuse to let that happen to me!

Until tomorrow, my pretties ... tell me what you've learned lately!

Not-so-deep thoughts ...

You know when your friends get boyfriends and then you never hear from them anymore because they're always having sex or doing something "couple-y" and you just want to punch them in the face, but you can't because you never see them?  Well, my blog feels that way about me. I've been virtually punched in the face at least 4 times this past month, so I figured it was time to write something obtuse and get this blog-bitch off my ass.

I love to write, but I feel I've lost my "Spiffy mojo" since I don't have much to bitch about any more. I'm in love and I'm feeling more positive about my job, so life is pretty good.

With that, I think I'll focus on random thoughts that may have crossed my mind recently. Are you ready?

• Would I still cuss like a sailor if I had kids? I mean, I know I wouldn't cuss around them, but I really, really like to cuss and I think I would secretly go into a closet and drop F-bombs just to remind myself of who I really am and how well "for fuck's sake" flows off my tongue.
• When someone points out to you "you really cuss a lot," are they trying to tell you that they are really a big pussy and can't handle the sweet, sweet sounds of my colorful language?
• I just wrote two bullet points about cussing. WTF is wrong with me? Damnit ... now three ...
• I went to watch my main squeeze umpire girls softball today and took a look around at all of the parents. Is it written somewhere that once you have kids in sports that 1) you turn into a mouthy, bitchy, know it all who thinks their kid does no wrong; 2) your sense of fashion and understanding how to buy properly fitting clothes goes straight out the door? Seriously, stop in front of a mirror before you leave the house, camel-toe.
• Why is it difficult for people to understand how fucking fabulous I truly am?
• I had a discussion with a stranger in the Phoenix Skyharbor Airport bathroom about how effing hot it is there and how every woman needs a crotch fan.  Now I really, really want to be the inventor of the "Comfy Crotch." I named it, bitches, back off!
• Why is Times New Roman the most annoying font to read? Ugh.

That's all for now, friends. Happy Mother's Day to all of my favorite mommas out there! I hope none of you are breast feeding your three-year old, but if you are, I'm not judging, just saying "ew."

Slackers suck

Yep, I'm a huuuuge slacker.  I have neglected my 12 fans and 10's of readers on Facebook ... for that, I apologize.

The last time I wrote I bragged about how awesome my life was. I just got (what I thought was) my ideal job and I'd just started dating one of the coolest guys in the world. Well, half of that equation is still true, so I've got that going for me, huh?

I've been reminded that a job is a job is a job.  We all have to work to pay the bills, whether we're swinging on a pole, giving blow jobs in the back seat of a car, slinging burgers or selling bullshit.  Whatever it is, it's a job. We'd all prefer to get up each morning and look forward to what we're doing, but I'm pretty sure Brandy gets tired of sweaty dollar bills being shoved into her nether-regions and Lulu could stand taking a day off from orally pleasuring a sweaty, fat loser in the back of a Buick.

So, you may have guessed it: my job wasn't all that I'd hoped it would be.  I'm definitely not in love with it, but I'm holding onto hope that it will all work itself out. I am 100% positive that I'm learning valuable lessons and that does make me happy; I'd just prefer that the lessons weren't shoved down my throat quicker than that Japanese chick sucks down hotdogs in the Nathan's weiner eating contest. I'm choking!

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is effing fantastic!  The word "boyfriend" seems so trite, but I think referring to him as my "male friend" would make it sound cheap and meaningless, and he's definitely not that. I could refer to him as "Lucky Guy 2012," I suppose ... :) I kid ... I'm the lucky one.

For example, for those of you who weren't witness to the shit-storm that was Spiffy on Snake Saturday (a northland tradition), know that I was absolutely the drunkest I'd ever been. I was a stumbling, slurring, drunken piece of work by 12pm. Ugh.  

I blacked out most of the day, passed out at some point and woke up pissed off and ready to fight anyone who was willing.  He took care of me all day, lead me around by my hand, held my purse while I (may have) passed out in the shitter, made sure I got home safely, brushed off my attempts to fight and forgave me the next day. And did I mention HE'S HOT?!!  Karma is finally swinging back in my direction. :)

I need to think of new and exciting things to write about.  I wouldn't be Spiffy if I didn't have something to bitch about, right?? Suggestions??

Live long and prosper, friends. 

Boomerangs of love??

I know that my "Spiffy" alter-ego often comes off as a surly, smart-ass bitch, but the truth is I'm a bleeding heart, tree-hugging, hopeless romantic who believes that the world would be a better place if we all just got along (except Sarah Palin ... I don't want to get along with her. Or Ann Coulter. Or Nancy Grace. Or Carrot Top. He gives me the creeps). OK, maybe we can't all get along, but you get the picture, right?

I'm not a religious girl, but I do believe that the energy you put out into the universe will be sent back to you. If you're always negative and mean and rude, then it's likely you'll feel like you're constantly being bent over without so much as a kiss. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you put positive thoughts into the universe and treat people how you'd like to be treated, good things will be sent your way. Call it good Karma or whatever you believe, but all I know is that good things are coming back around to me like boomerangs full of love! (Insert cheesy analogy).

I mentioned before that I got a new job, so you all should know that I. Love. My. Job. I haven't felt this "at home" and necessary and challenged at a job since I worked for McDonald's in 1985. It's important to be able to count the change back correctly and put the right amount of salt on the fries. Seriously ...

The next fantastic boomerang that has recently been thrown my way is in the form of a hot guy who wants to be my boyfriend. Tee hee!

You all know that I've been out on A LOT of first dates that haven't really lead to much of anything. I've gotten some great stories and have held onto hopes that one of the many frogs would turn out to be Timothy Olyphant (He's fucking fantastic and I'm not a Prince Charming kind of girl ...), and I think I've finally met my match.

I'll leave him his anonymity for now and keep the details of our budding relationship close to my heart, but I will tell you this; he's cool and sweet and he digs me. And he's hot ... that's all a girl can ask for, right? Thankfully, I've known him for around 10 years, so we don't have to pretend to be anything we aren't.  I know the player that he used to be and he knows the freak that I still am. :)

Until next time ... peace, love and hot sauce. I really like hot sauce.

Have you ever had the feeling that life is sitting on your chest, pinning you down and punching you in the face with your own fists, taunting, "why are you hitting yourself??" I've felt like that for a while now, but I think things are finally turning around!

I mentioned last week that I had a secret and I announced it on FB earlier in the week, but I want to talk about it here, too. I got a new job!

You remember when you were a kid and you dreamed about what you would be when you grew up? Well, all I ever dreamed about being was an MTV VJ. I wanted to be the next Nina Blackwood. I had the hair in the 80's and I smoked enough back then that I could have had her voice in no time flat.

When I realized that was highly unlikely, I then decided I'd take it down a notch and focus on being a DJ on a rock station. I mean, come on. DJ's get to meet all of the rock stars and just sit around and play music all day, right?

So I dropped $3k on the Columbia School of Broadcasting and took a correspondence course, learning important skills like how to properly pronounce Moscow (it's moss-ko, not moss-cow), and how not to pop my "ps" (I still haven't figured that one out), but you get the picture. All really, really important skills ...

Needless to say, that pipe dream went nowhere, and a new dream soon took hold of my heart: I wanted to work for an advertising agency. Unfortunately, I realized this dream in my early 30s, way too late in life to start over as an intern and work my way up. I've always held onto the dream, but I never really believed it would actually happen ... but it finally has!

As of February 13th, I'm an account executive with Gragg Advertising; a small shop with a big hold on the market. I'm super excited about the challenge and opportunity. I was made to do this and I have no doubt I'm going to kick this job's ass sideways, up, down and backward! I've always felt like I wasn't living up to my potential and I'm about to find out what I'm made of, believe that!

I have bitter sweet feelings about leaving my current job. I won't miss the job itself, but I will miss the people. Thankfully, I know the one's who matter will always be in my life. I just won't have the pleasure of laughing with them every day or busting into spontaneous chair-crunk dances.

The next chapter of my life is about to begin, and I promise it will be much more action-packed and with fewer typos than the last few ... Stay tuned.