The Unemployment Chronicles - Day One

If you've followed me at all, you know that I've been frustrated with my employer for quite some time ... like since the first week I started. I decided to suck it up and stick it out a year so that I could gain the experience, and ultimately I'm glad that I did.

Unfortunately, on Monday I was told by my manager that they "decided it would be my last day." There wasn't a reason given but, as I was told by my manager, "it's a right to hire state and she doesn't need a reason to fire me." Suck it you soulless bitch.

Honestly, I'm not too worried. I know that I am smart and I'm good at what I do. I am viewing this as a chance for new beginnings. I thought that 2012 was going to be a good year and it turned out to be pretty mediocre at best. 2013 is time for me to shine!

I'm so lucky and grateful to have such great friends. I've had several of my friends send me great referrals and I have followed up on all of them. I've already had a really good phone interview and should have a face-to-face interview with the same company next week. I'm hoping that I won't be out of work for more than 30 days. Fingers crossed!

Since I've got some spare time on my hands, I thought I should go ahead and kick off the "Unemployment Chronicles." I'm sure that I'm not the only person who has been screwed over by their employer and found themselves considering stealing toilet paper from a QT to save what little money they have. Maybe I can offer someone a little comfort knowing that they aren't alone in this big, bad world. :) Here we go!

Random thoughts that have crossed my mind in the past 24-hours:

• Maybe I should just start sucking off the teet of the government and go on welfare ... Unfortunately, I don't know the first thing about taking a handout. Damnit.
• Fuck it. I'm going to cash out my 401k and invest in something. I would make a much better boss than anyone I've ever worked for.  Now, what to invest in???
• Fuck it. I'm going to cash out my 401k and finally write the book that everyone tells me I should write. Or, maybe I can become a professional blogger.  How much do you think the Bloggess makes??
• Fuck it. I'm going to cash out my 401k and relocate somewhere. I'm tired of KC anyway. Now, where to go??
• I wonder how long will it take to eat all of the food in my fridge?? Maybe I'll just eat once per day ... I am trying to lose weight ...

I finally went to bed around midnight, tossed and turned a bit, then:

2:40 am: I'm awoken by a loud "bang" in the front room. I sprung from my bed (to see what was the matter) and found two chubby bulldogs turning my front room into a trash party. I proceeded to clean up the trash without kicking either of their asses and went back to bed.

8:00 am: I wake up and finally feel a bit of panic. I suck it up, feed the hounds and decide that I will hit the gym every morning to help put my day in perspective and settle my mind.

9:30 am: Yoga. It's been almost a friggin year since I've taken yoga and I'm not as flexible as I used to be. Note to self- take more yoga.

10:30 am: Get text from my friend Sean who offers up my first "pity lunch." I take him up on his offer. Yeah for friends with jobs!

2:00 pm: I get home from lunch and feel like I may finally be coming down with the flu. I decide to take a nap. zzzzz

4:30 pm: I wake up. No flu. Phew!

6:00 pm: I complete a test/survey for a potential new employer. I kick ass.

You get the picture. I feel pretty good about unemployment - day one. Let's hope that I can make tomorrow just as productive.

Spiffy's New Year's Introspection ...

Fair warning, this one is going to be long and deep (that's what he said ...). :/ But, seriously, I feel like disecting myself this morning and what better place to pull back the fatty layers than right here in front of my 10s of readers, huh?
 
I graduated from college after six LONG years of work on December 10, 2011. I jumped into 2012 with open arms and quickly got a great job in a field I'd always wanted to work in and started a relationship with an old friend who I thought would be around forever. 

The job has been rough and rocky since day one, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Although I seriously thought that it caused me to stroke out a few times. I do know that this job has contributed to my 2012 ass & waist expansion which is NO bueno! Today I resolve to do a better job of balancing my work and health.

The relationship lasted until July and suddenly ended, with little-to-no explanation. That one was rough to get over. I battled through a lot of hatred and waded around in a pity pool for so long that my fingers are still slightly pruned!

He still feels it necessary to send me random text messages like nothing ever happened. I knew I was finally over him and ready to move on when I could just delete the messages without responding. I have nothing left to say to him.  Today I resolve to keep my heart open to the possibility of love and not let losers like him ruin me.

While I believe that getting my college degree was the best thing I could have ever done for myself, the student loan payments are really putting a cramp in my lifestyle. :) I had to find a cheaper place to live in October and ended up in this medium-sized white box. I am thankful that I only have to live here for another 10 months and will once again ramble on and find a new place to live. I'm surprised that my friends don't refer to me as a Nomad as much as I move around! Quite honestly, I hate moving and really want to find a permanent place to live. Today I resolve to make 2013 the year that I buy my own house. I'm finally going to commit to something! :)

I have always wanted to travel abroad and resolve to make it happen in 2013! I have an open invitation to visit some of my good friends who moved to Australia this year and it's time to take them up on their offer. Who knows, maybe I'll get there, meet the Aussie of my dreams, kiss my job good bye and spend the rest of my days down under! A girl can dream ... 

I've lost touch with some important people in my life this past year, which makes me sad. I really don't believe that we were only friends based on our proximity (work), so I resolve to make a bigger effort to spend more time with them this year. I hope they make the same effort. :)

Remember the new guy I've been talking about and how I was nervous about asking him what our "status" was? Well, apparently I should have had the conversation sooner than the day before yesterday because when I asked, he told me that he is still dating other women and wants to "keep his options open." While I appreciate it his honesty, his answer was a HUGE bummer.

It seems to me that as a person in their 40's, we've have many years of options and that at this point we know what our options are. Maybe that's (one of the) differences between guys and girls: we know when something is good and they think the grass will always be greener.

During our conversation, he made a very insightful statement: relationships go one of two places (commitment or no where). Since he wasn't open to the possibility of our relationship going further, I decided that it was pointless to keep spinning my wheels and risk getting even more emotionally attached to him. Again, HUGE bummer. I really, really liked him.

So here it is. I have 365 days to make this an awesome year! No more regrets. No more "what ifs." I will not allow my job to define me. I will not allow the negativity of others to change what I know to be true about myself. I will not allow failed attempts to make me falter on my goals. I will make this year my bitch!

Happy New Year, friends. I have love for all of you!

Confessions of a mad woman?

Confession. I'm 42 years old and I still don't know how to date, let alone be in a relationship.  ( ... heavy sigh of relief ...).

Some people make it look so easy, and not just movie couples. I have friends who have great relationships. They laugh together, make decisions together, compromise and continue to love each other even when they really don't like each other.

Theoretically, I think I know how to be in a healthy relationship, I just haven't been able to prove my theories, yet. Basically, I'm a lot like Einstein. Oh, wait ... he proved his theory. OK, I'm a lot like the scientists who came up with the String Theory. I believe, I just can't affirm. The equation just hasn't added up ... yet.

Case in point: the adult in me thinks that if you've been dating for around a month and you aren't interested in dating anyone else, it should naturally mean that you're in a relationship, right? Do I need to ask?  When the officer was handing me the restraining order, he told me that boys don't like to be chased. (I kid. About the restraining order, not about my question.)

Unfortunately, the insecure 14 year-old in me thinks that my best friend needs to send him a note in math class asking if he likes me (check "yes," "no," or "maybe," and it had better not be "no" or "maybe"!). :)

One of my less endearing qualities is my inability to just sit back and let things happen. I've always got to have a plan and a back-up plan. Let's just say that I don't really know how to "roll with the punches." It's gotten me pretty far in life, but I think it's time that I learned how to just accept that life will happen and whatever will be, will be. I talk the talk, I need to learn to walk the walk.

The guy that spurred this discourse seems to be just the opposite of me. He's laid back, cool and patient (OK, I'm cool and can be pretty laid back. Patience ... no.) I fight the urge to flip the bird and walk out on my job on a daily basis. He's been at his job for 13 years. See what I mean?

I appreciate that if we were ever confronted by an aging hippy at a restaurant who feels it's her duty to scold us about how we handle our (currently imaginary) kids, he'd likely take the high road, while I think about ways to berate her about her unruly braid and poor hygiene, follow her to her VW bus and throw my left over crab cake sandwich at her. I would really have to fight the urge, trust me.

So, there it is. I like a boy and it kind of freaks me out. Being in a relationship means being insecure and opening myself up for the possibility of rejection ... again. No one likes to be rejected, but how will I ever be able to prove my theory if I don't keep trying?

Carry on.

Blah, blah, blah ...

Friends, I have good news.  I met a guy who I can stand to be around for more than five minutes!

Those of you who know me know that I'm super picky about who I grace with my presence. Not many possess qualities interesting enough to hold my attention for an extended period of time, but this guy worked his way through the maze I've built and sparked a little flame in my heart ... and pants. :)

I slipped and mentioned my blog the first time we met. Oopsie! He hounded me until I told him more, so I thought what the eff; he should find out now the twisted mess he's getting himself into, so I gave him the deets. He's read through my demented, incredibly un-PC posts and wasn't scared off.  Score one for Spiffy!  Question ... when should I tell him about my Furry fetish?? I kid ...

So, a couple of weeks ago I was out with my girlfriends watching some live music when an I ran into old ex-boyfriend. This guy was an abusive piece of shit who, let's just say, wasn't very nice to me. I've long since forgiven him for the pain he once caused me, but my stomach turns every time I see his smug face.  When he saw me, he came up and shook my hand and introduced his girlfriend. I wanted to warn her to run as fast as she could, but I figured she already knew, so I left it alone.

The next day the idiot had the audacity to friend request me on Facebook. Seriously? I may forgive you and shake your hand, D-bag, but we'll never be friends. Facebook or otherwise.

OK. Ranting finished.  I'm off to get my zombie fix.  I'll work on some better stories, friends.  Peace. Out.

Like a virgin ... HEY!

I haven't felt like a virgin in quite a while, but I had high hopes that I could revisit my fully-hymened youth at the Madonna concert on Tuesday. Unfortunately, I left feeling freshly fucked without so much as a kiss ...

This was Madge's first trip to KC, so decided to drop $60 (cheap seats) and make memories with my gal pals. We had a great time, lots of laughs and lots of gawking and interesting Madonna get-ups, but I left with a feeling of "meh" instead of "FUCK YEAH!"

I was hoping for some stuff from the 80s and 90s and while she sang a couple of "oldies," the majority of her two hour show was on her new stuff, of which I'm not a big fan. That's my only bitch. She looked and sounded FANTASTIC, had a great stage show, and laid down some sick visuals (blood spattered back drop as she "shot her lovers in the head." For a minute I thought she may have extracted the lyrics from my head ... :).

The first half of the show I spent shifting back and forth trying to see the show around a woman I've dubbed "old lady boogie pants." She stood at the oddest times and did what can only be described as a gypsy sway as she shook her scarf around her head.

To top it off, she had big, teased hair and a bedazzled jacket. It took all that I had not to "accidentally" push her to see if the bedazzled jacket was heavy enough to keep her rolling all the way down to section 132. I kid ...



Note: this is not Old Lady Boogie Pants, but this is a reminder to never, ever wear a stupid hat like this.
Or Bedazzle anything.

In the midst of revisiting my youth, I moved to a new apartment. I'm convinced that as soon as movers see that it's just a single girl, they take their sweet ass time and think it's OK to waste time flirting.

If you recall the tale of my move last year with "Black tooth Kenny," I was bound and determined not to be swindled into giving one of the movers my phone number just to shut them up and get them out of my place.

Thankfully, I was not placed in that position this year, but I did have to lay the smack down on "Chatty Manny" who spent more time trying to be witty than moving my shit. I finally told him that I was paying him, he needed to stop talking and work! I'M SPIFFY BITCH!

Four hours and $416 later, they left me to re-build my life in a big, white box with one closet.  If you couldn't tell by the tone, this apartment wasn't one of my best choices, but I'll make it work like I always do.

On an interesting side note, I found out my old friend "Meat" lives in the apartments right behind me.  Who knows, I may end up getting "into the groove" and crossing the "borderline" after all (insert Madonna song references with sexual undertones ... ).

Out.

Rambling thoughts of a mad woman ...

I haven't written in a minute and for that, my fan and a half, I'm sorry. I haven't had much good to write about and I don't think this will be any different, but I'm going to write anyway.

I think I'm broken.  Much like Chumbawamba, I've been knocked down before, but I could always get back up again.  This time, though, I seem to have the legs of a drunk baby deer with a prosthetic stiletto hoof two sizes two big ... I can't get my footing. (Enjoy that visual) :).

I've met a couple of guys over the past couple of months, but no one who interests me enough to talk to again let alone see again. I'm pretty sure I'm the dented can on the shelf this time and for that, unfortunate men I've met, I am sorry.  I'm sure you're all very nice people, I'm just not very nice at the moment.

Also, I worry that I may be on my way to alcoholism.  OK, that's not true, but I did seriously consider drinking wine before work the other morning instead of coffee.  Seriously. I mean think about it! Wouldn't a nice wine buzz start your morning off nicely? I may have to make up a story about my red teeth (I like kool-aid) and slurring speech (I'm tired), but I could sure get through back-to-back meetings with less of an urge to punch someone in the privates!

Wow, I'm a big Debbie Downer at the moment. Oh well. I'll close with this: is it wrong to seriously consider having a poop cake delivered to my ex for his birthday tomorrow? Do you think I could put enough icing on it and mix it with Devil's Food to cover the smell? He wasn't a big sweets person, so I'm not sure he'd fall for it, but it makes me happy thinking about him eating a big piece of shit cake!

I told you I wasn't very nice at the moment ...

I went to Brazil and all I got was this lousy bald spot??

Forewarning: this one is vulgar. If you're a prude or a judger, just save yourself time and close now. :) If you can appreciate my sense of humor, read on!

Today was officially the closing ceremonies of "Bush Fest 2012." As with all good closing ceremonies, there was music (I'm pretty sure we jammed to some old school rap), tears (one word - RIP), and laughter (Jen was still drunk at 9am).
My co-competitor, Jen, and I made our way to the European Wax Center bright and early with one goal in mind: go bald, or go home!

When we parked, we saw this sign, inviting us to enter through the front door:

We appreciated the courtesy and free wax offer, after all, the competition has spanned a month and they had their work cut out for them, but Jen was quick to let them know that they need to show love for the back door as well (see below):

After the back door hijinx, we made our way inside and were promptly schooled on the difference between a "full" and a "brazilian" wax. Many of you may been under the same impression as I that a full was basically a "high and tight" and the brazilian was the "whole shebang," but actually, the only difference is the "butt strip."

Yes, ladies, for those of you with hairy taints, you can get that waxed for an additional $8. Thankfully, neither of us required a taint waxing, so we proceeded into our SEPARATE rooms with our very nice, patient and professional waxers.

I'll leave the details out, but I will say this: no other woman has been that up close and personal with my chocha. You think it's going to be awkward laying there, spread eagle getting wax spread all over your bits, but it really wasn't that bad. 

Now, it's like I've got a shiny, new toy and no one to play with it!  Thankfully, the "newness" shouldn't wear off for a few weeks, so we'll see what I can drum up. I am going on vacation to Cali in a couple of weeks ... Maybe a young, stoned, impressionable cougar-chasing surfer is in my future?? :)

I get $5 off when I refer a friend, so ladies if you're interested in going from "woogie" to "wow!" let me know. Guys, you can keep yourself manscaped as well, as long as it's above the waist. I'm sure there are some guys that have a "waxing their nads" fetish, but the European Wax Center is not the place for you! Take that shit down to Lola's Strip and Rip! :)

Until next time ...