What the Eff Just Happened??

About an hour and a half ago, I lost a friend that I've had for over 25 years.  Not lost as in she "died," but she's now officially dead to me, so I guess she did kind of die.

Shawna and I have been friends since sixth grade.  We've grown up together and like everyone, have changed a lot over the years.  Well, I can say that I've changed a lot over the years but I'm not so sure about her after tonight.

Our lives have gone in separate directions over the years, but we've always managed to keep at least a pinky finger in each other's door. We met for dinner and drinks tonight for what I thought was some much needed time to catch up and shoot the shit.  Apparently she felt it was the perfect time to lay an all out assault on my integrity and make me feel like shit about things that happened years, and I mean YEARS ago.

So my question to you is this; is it normal to hold on to things that may (or may not) have happened so many years ago?  Is it appropriate to berate your friend in a public place and tell her how shitty you felt she treated you years ago?  Is it the act of a sane woman when she tells you that you, personally, are the reason she doesn't have certain friends anymore because you drove a wedge in between them, all the while telling you how much she loves and misses you and "will never let you go"?

What just happened to me tonight was one of the most surreal, odd and sad experiences I've ever had.  I had so many conflicting emotions thrown at me in a short period, I thought that Carrie may have possessed her body.  (That's a 70's horror flick reference for my young readers.)

I'm not sure what she felt she'd gain by picking a fight with me in a public place because she felt I "needed to know" the information, but she didn't gain anything.  Instead she lost a life-long friend because, quite frankly, I don't need the drama or bullshit in my life.  Period.  THAT Shawna is the reason why my life is what it is today.  Because I no longer put up with unnecessary bullshit or the people that bring it to me.

So, just in case there was an inch of truth in the smite she spewed at me this evening, I'd like to offer a formal apology to my friends.

If you've ever felt that I placed a wedge in between you and anyone else, I'm sorry.  If you've ever felt like I "get whatever I want," I'm sorry.  If you're still holding on to something I may have said about you or to you 20 years ago, well that's your fucking problem. Get over it. :)

In all seriousness, she put a dent in my heart tonight.  I'm not sure where her anger came from, but apparently it's something she's held onto for years.  I love all of my friends for who they are, differences or not, sanity or lack thereof.  

She made me question my TOTAL BEING and I don't like that feeling.  I'm all about introspection and self-reflection, but I've long since given up on self-destruction and I will not go back there.  In the end, the ONLY person I can count on is myself and I believe in myself, Shawna.  I'm sorry if you can't say the same about yourself but that IS NOT my fault.

So I was going to blog about this great guy that I met at Kanrocksas over the weekend and how fate (once again) teased me with something and then took it away from me, but then this happened and I felt I needed to get it off my chest.

I'll tell you all about Mr. Hot Lips another day. :)