It's on, Bitches!

OK, you'll probably guess by my first blog, I am not politically correct, nor will I be.  This is my blog, I'm laying it on the line.  You can read it or not.  Whatevs...

I haven't fully decided how I'm going to do this.  I've got a lot of stories.  Some funny, some not so funny, but I think that you will enjoy my stories...my memoirs.

I recently turned 40.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it was pretty surreal nonetheless.  I couldn't imagine I'd be the woman I am today when I was in my 20's and even in my early 30's.

I think most of us - women mainly - believe that we need to fit into that "womanly mold" of married with children by a certain age.  I've been married - twice.  The first one doesn't really count in my mind, but it was legal, so I have to mention it.  The second one, well that was...I'm not really sure how to explain that one so I won't right now. 

Why did I mention this?  Because I think that there are a lot of us who recently turned 40 or are soon-to-be turning 40 who are taking a hard look at our lives and wondering, "Hmmm....really?"  I don't have children and I'm not sure whether I will.  I love kids and I think I'd make a fabulous step-mom, I'm just not sure my uterus is prepared to bear child.  That's all.  We'll see.  Who knows...Bristol Palin is on DWTS, so Hell can freeze over!

I've been divorced for 4 years (the second time).  Four years tomorrow to be exact.  I remember my "divorce-a-versaries" easily and I can't remember what I ate for lunch two days ago most of the time...go figure.  Too much dope in high school I guess....but I digress.

I've been on a lot of dates since my divorce.  Some good, but a lot of bad.  I am amazed at the amount of douchebaggery there is out there.  I'm pretty sure that I'm a douchebag magnet.  I'm not really sure how I acquired that talent and I'm working hard on passing it off onto someone else.  I've paid my dues!

OK, I've muddled on...let's start the memoirs, shall we?  I'm going to start with my first boyfriend, Matt (I'm leaving last names out...sorry!).  Matt was a couple of years older than me, tall, dark hair, and bright blue eyes.  He had a unibrow, but I didn't care, I was in 8th grade and didn't understand the concept of plucking myself. 

I can't remember how I met Matt because he was a Freshman when I was in 8th grade, but maybe it was at the pool...who cares...we met.   Matt took away the fruits of my virginity, well, I gave him the fruit, he didn't really 'take' anything.  I bet my dad $5 that I'd marry him one day.  Thank goodness I lost that bet.  He's turned into a Bible-beating weirdo, but he's happily married himself with two cute kids, so kudos to you, Unibrow! 

How was your first "experience?"  Can you remember back that far?  Ha!  I was scared out of my mind and I remember specifically feeling like my girly bits were ripping in half and I wasn't sure that my ass would be simply a "hole" when I was finished.  NO!  I didn't get ass-fucked for my first sexual experience you sickos!  It was just very painful in my nether-regions.  So there.  

We "did it" once and never again until 4 years later when I was a little more "legal" shall we say... It was just as crappy the second time.

What about you?