Awkward ...

There are many situations that could be deemed awkward. Like walking around the Wyandotte County courthouse wearing Santa boots. Or, receiving a text message from your ex "lover" that he obviously meant to send to his new whore. And, how about being asked out for drinks by a hot guy, only to find out he's got a serious girlfriend?  Yep. All awkward, and all happened to me ...

The Santa boots thing - not a huge deal. I got a few curious glances, but let's face it; even with the boots, I was still better dressed than 99% 100% of the people waiting in line 5 HOURS to renew their tags. Thankfully, my purpose for gracing the halls was business related, so I was in and out with a nod and a wink! 

The text message thing was really more of a pisser than it was awkward. It was apparently awkward for him, though, because I haven't heard from him since (prick), but whatever. He was sending the same texts to her that he'd sent to me a month earlier, so that says a lot about his game, huh? At least I held onto that dick pic ... (it was impressive ... I couldn't delete it. Don't judge.)

Drinks with the hot guy - I'll be honest, I had a feeling he had a girlfriend, but I wasn't sure. It was quickly confirmed when he told me he'd been looking at houses in Mission Hills with her earlier in the day.  Plus, he spent most of the time asking me business-related questions instead of staring deep into my cleavage. I'd say that's pretty serious.

Oh well. Until the next awkward encounter, stay smooth like Skippy!

I'm talkin' me and Dot are swingers...

As in "to swing..." Yep. That happened.

Usually I'm fully in touch with my inner "freaky little monkey," but something happened last night that I totally missed until I replayed the evening in my head this morning - I'm pretty sure I was propositioned to "swing" with a couple of 60 year olds. 

First, let me talk about this couple. The female in this "swinger sammie" (we'll call her B) is cool, hip, hot and didn't look a day older than maybe late 40's. This woman is who I aspire to be when I'm 60. Seriously. She sings in a band, plays a couple of instruments and is strikingly beautiful. I almost asked about her skin care regimen because she's doing something right, for sure!

Her husband, on the other hand, must have sprinkled magic fairy dust on himself to veil his true appearance because he's no where near her league. Good ups to him because she seems to love him with all of her heart; they're actually a really cool, sweet couple. 

So, onto the kicker. When they left the party (they held B's 60th surprise b-day party at my event space last night), he turned around to me and said, "Get in touch if you want to party. We're always down to party." I didn't think much about it, told him I didn't know of any parties and went home.  DUH!

Am I wrong? Maybe he really did just want to party with me (I am kind of cool), but I think there was a naughty undertone to his version of "party." Is "party" code for something in the swinger world?? Kind of like the white rock? 

I'm pretty sure I smelled the marijuana during the evening, so maybe he was asking me to "party" aka smoke a "fatty boom blatty"? Who knows. Regardless, neither swinging nor dope are part of my repertoire, so I'd disappoint them either way. 

Never one to disappoint, I'll leave you all with this. 

Back by Popular Demand!

I've had a few people ask me over the past few months when I was going to write again. After two friends in the same night told me that they miss reading my fucked up life stories, I decided it was time to jump back on the blog train to "Over Sharesville." Jill and Val - here you go!

So here's the deal; I've had a lot to write about, I've just been a little apprehensive about sharing. Over the years I've exposed most of my "soft underbelly" of failed relationships, interesting encounters, sarcastic opinions and poor decisions. Like a ninny, I started worrying about what people thought of me, so I quit sharing. Plus, I've had some scars that cut a little deeper than most over the past few months, so I needed time to heal and put life back into perspective. I'm feeling at least 80%, so I think it's time to let Spiffy back out and set her loose. (Hands at 10 and 2. Check mirrors. Signal. Enter traffic) ... and we're off!

I know that a lot of my married friends think that I live the glamorous life being single with no kids. I can bone who I want. Sleep as late as I want. Do whatever I want (...it does sound fucking fantastic, doesn't it?) Truth be told, the shininess has worn off. I'm ready to find my best friend and partner in crime. 

The problem is the same as what it's been for a while now, though - slim pickins (insert pic for effect). 

I guess I should clarify: there are a lot of men, but not a lot of men who I'd let in my pants. Well, I guess I should clarify: there are a lot of men who I'd let in my pants, but they don't seem to want in my pants. Actually, let me clarify: there are a lot of men who I'd let in my pants and who want in my pants, but they don't want anything more.  Finally.

I think I'll just blame it on Obama. He seems to be at fault for everything else, right Republicans??! But, I digress...

I'm not going to dive in any deeper tonight. Just sticking my toe in to check the water. But, I will close with this - be weary of men who buy mini paper clips and try to play them off as nipple clamps. They are NOT the same. 

Smooches!

I Don't Mean to Brag, But ...

I'm a funny mo fo!  I've been reading back through all of my blogs since the beginning (copying them into Word so I can start penning my life into my best selling memoir!), and have been laughing for the past hour.  My life truly is a shit-show at times!

I've noticed that I haven't been as surly, crude, or (if I'm being honest in my critique), as funny since I was dumped by d-bag in July of 2012, and I need to do something about that! 

So, with that being said, you should all know that at the prodding of a couple of my friends, I've decided to weigh my breasts. And, contrary to their smart-assed belief, my boobs are only around 400 grams or 1 lb. each. So THERE! 

Note: These are not my boobs. And, they definitely weigh more than 1 lb each.

Now, I'm not making any promises that the weighing process was scientific. I used my Weight Watcher scale and tried to stay still, but it's pretty close! Yeah, that just happened...

I haven't felt well the past couple of days and stayed home from work today. Let's just say, I'm getting bored. There's got to be something more productive for me to do during my day of convalescence, but who knows. At least I learned something new! :)

Happy New Year!

It's been a few months since I've graced you all with my blogging presence, so I thought it fitting to kick of 2014 by unloading my thoughts onto you.  After all, it's been a long time. Shouldn't have left you. Without a dope beat to step to (step to, step to, wicky wicky wicky...)  Yeah, I just blog-rapped your ass!

So, 2013 was definitely not the best year of my life. I spent the first 5 1/2 months searching my soul, while searching for a new job. I didn't mind the soul search; I actually learned a lot about myself and realized how strong and resilient I truly am. The job search sucked.  Period. There is nothing fun about basically whoring yourself out while trying to convince people that you are the perfect person to fill their coveted job. If you haven't interviewed in awhile, I suggest you give it a try. It's a hoot! 

21 interviews later, I landed back in radio. It's been a rough six months, but I think the waters are looking a little less choppy in 2014. If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again, right?? (you see the Aaliyah theme here?) 

Enough about that (dusting off shoulders, gangsta-style)! How about a look at my love life in 2013? I had a couple of escapades and some GREAT stories (most that I won't share with you ... sorry), but there was definitely no love connection. 

It continues to baffle me how difficult it is to find another human being to "connect" with. There are millions of people roaming this beautiful Earth and for one reason or another, I (like many others) can't find my other half. I meet guys who I'm interested in, but either they aren't available or they aren't interested in me or they're hung up on someone else ... you get the picture. 

Ever the optimist, I'm continuing my quest into 2014! Every bad date I have is another story for my memoir, right?? :)  Which leads me to my next thought, I'm going to write a book this year.  It's time to put all of my thoughts, stories, and experiences to good use! I mean, you guys get a kick out of reading about my shit-show life, why wouldn't others?? :0  I'm looking for volunteers to keep me on task and edit my work. Apply within. Be prepared to whore yourself out in the interview process because I'm sadistic like that. ;)

As cliche as this is, I'm starting this year with a clean slate in my heart and mind. I will forgive those who've wronged me, forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I've made, stop letting my past affect how I look at my present, stop beating myself up over my chub, and will do my best to stop assuming everyone has an ulterior motive to their kindness. (How about that for a cathartic look at my demons??) 

I will also keep using random song lyrics to make a point, cussing like a sailor, giving as much as I've got to give to finding homes for homeless animals, secretly twerking in my front room with my dogs (well, they don't twerk, they just watch ... in awe), and breaking out in random songs for no reason at all.

Happy 2014, bitches!! (I use that term with nothing but love.)

Introspection and retrospection ...

I want to begin by stating that, in all honesty, I am happy with the person I am today. Now onto the introspection:

Do you ever look at other people and wonder how they got lucky enough to live your life? The life you always thought you'd live, but somewhere along the way, your course changed and you ended up "here." 

"Here" isn't a bad place, it just wasn't what you'd pictured for yourself. The sad part is, "here" is exactly where you placed yourself. All of the choices you made lead you right to where you are today. Here.

While I type this, I realize that it sounds like I'm unhappy with my life, and I truly am not, but I've found myself dwelling a lot lately on experiences and relationships that I'll likely never have. And, it kind of bums me out.  

I also realize that the people who are living "my" life probably look at me and think that I've got it made. It's all about perception, right?

I have this sinking feeling deep in my heart that I'm going to wake up one day and be too old to do any of the things that I now want to do or see any of the things I want to see. And THAT scares the shit out of me. Mortality has shown it's ugly face and I spend a lot of time fighting with it.

Every day I come home to a one-bedroom apartment and two dogs. I don't share my day's experiences with anyone. I go to the gym and sweat, but I rarely interact with anyone. I watch TV and read my social media and play my Words with Friends. I have gotten accustomed to being alone, so much that I have to force myself to be around people sometimes. I know. Hard to believe, but it's true. Spiffy is a bit of a loner ... 

Being off work for 5 1/2 months made me realize that I can survive anything and that I've put way too much emphasis on my career. I've focused so much on what I THOUGHT I should be or wanted that I may be missing out on experiencing LIFE. The problem is, I keep waiting around to find someone to experience life with me, and it may never happen.

I was reminded tonight of the Shel Silverstein story, "The Giving Tree." Do I ask too much of my tree? Am I being selfish?

I don't have an answer for myself right now, but I do know that I shouldn't be comparing my life to others. To quote my good buddy, Buddha, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."  Hopefully this "blog therapy" will help me focus on this a little more. :)

This Girl is on FIRE!

It's official. I'm no longer suckling off of the government teat. I got a job! Not just any job, mind you. I'm going back into radio ad sales, where my heart and passion lies.

I have always been a music junky and have always wanted to work in radio or around music. In fact, I went to the Columbia School of Broadcasting back in the early 90's because I thought that's what every DJ did ... I was naive. :)

The $3k I spent on my schooling wasn't a complete waste. I learned how to enunciate and how to properly pronounce "Moscow." (It's MOS CO, not MOS COW.) Now you know. 

Fast forward to October, 2001, when my journey into radio began. Imagine: Spiffy is sitting at her desk, working as an insurance agent for AAA. It's early in the morning and Spiffy is simply miffed. She hates her job and wants something more. She's listening to her favorite radio station at the time - E105. The Joe Show (morning show at the time) was giving away a trip to New York City to promote tourism after 9-11. Spiffy enters the contest by sending an e-mail to the DJ. She tells the DJ how she's always been a big fan of Hair Metal music, yadda yadda, wit and charm, and that she'd love to win the trip.

Later that afternoon, Spiffy gets a call from Joe who told her that he LOVED her e-mail, thought she was super funny and offered her a free trip for two to New York City for a week! Spiffy jumped on the chance and took a trip that literally changed her life. 

I'll go back into first person now. Third person is so pretentious. :) While on this trip, I met so many people who would impact my life. I met my ex-husband, who was the promotions guy for the station. I met my good friend, Elaine, who helped talk me into going back to radio. I met my former boss, friend and now co-worker, Janel, who also helped talk me into going back to radio. The list goes on. This trip was pivotal for me and led me to my first venture into radio sales with E105/Jack FM.

I spent 3 1/2 years working in a field that I loved, but somewhere along the way I let the grind get the best of me and I lost my spark. I was a much different person back then and, quite honestly, I didn't have as much confidence in myself as I do today. Radio sales is a tough business. If it were easy, everyone would do it because it is fun and can be very profitable. 

I've been struggling for the past 5 months, wondering why no one felt I was the right fit for their company and the position. I now believe that I received all of those rejections because the universe was pushing me to return to radio. It took me a minute to receive the message, but it finally sunk in and now I feel at peace. 

I know that it's going to be rough and that there will be some days that I'll just want to say fuck it and walk away, but I won't. While being unemployed for five months sucked, it taught me a huge lesson about myself: I'm stronger than I thought, I'm more resilient than I could ever imagine and the haters will continue to hate, I just have to continue to be better than them. I am in charge of my own destiny and the negative words and thoughts of others are their burden to bear, not mine.

These past few months I've received support from people who I'd never imagine would care, but they did. I'll do my best to repay them all in one way or another and I'll continue to pay it forward. I've always known, but believe even more now that positive actions bring about positive consequences. 

So, I'll spend my last week of "vacation" relaxing, visiting with my friends and family and learning how to wake up before 7:30 am again. Come July 1st, watch out because this girl is ON FIRE! :)