Have you ever had the feeling that life is sitting on your chest, pinning you down and punching you in the face with your own fists, taunting, "why are you hitting yourself??" I've felt like that for a while now, but I think things are finally turning around!

I mentioned last week that I had a secret and I announced it on FB earlier in the week, but I want to talk about it here, too. I got a new job!

You remember when you were a kid and you dreamed about what you would be when you grew up? Well, all I ever dreamed about being was an MTV VJ. I wanted to be the next Nina Blackwood. I had the hair in the 80's and I smoked enough back then that I could have had her voice in no time flat.

When I realized that was highly unlikely, I then decided I'd take it down a notch and focus on being a DJ on a rock station. I mean, come on. DJ's get to meet all of the rock stars and just sit around and play music all day, right?

So I dropped $3k on the Columbia School of Broadcasting and took a correspondence course, learning important skills like how to properly pronounce Moscow (it's moss-ko, not moss-cow), and how not to pop my "ps" (I still haven't figured that one out), but you get the picture. All really, really important skills ...

Needless to say, that pipe dream went nowhere, and a new dream soon took hold of my heart: I wanted to work for an advertising agency. Unfortunately, I realized this dream in my early 30s, way too late in life to start over as an intern and work my way up. I've always held onto the dream, but I never really believed it would actually happen ... but it finally has!

As of February 13th, I'm an account executive with Gragg Advertising; a small shop with a big hold on the market. I'm super excited about the challenge and opportunity. I was made to do this and I have no doubt I'm going to kick this job's ass sideways, up, down and backward! I've always felt like I wasn't living up to my potential and I'm about to find out what I'm made of, believe that!

I have bitter sweet feelings about leaving my current job. I won't miss the job itself, but I will miss the people. Thankfully, I know the one's who matter will always be in my life. I just won't have the pleasure of laughing with them every day or busting into spontaneous chair-crunk dances.

The next chapter of my life is about to begin, and I promise it will be much more action-packed and with fewer typos than the last few ... Stay tuned.

Secrets, epiphanies and random mish-mash

Sorry that I've been AWOL for a few. I've had a lot going on (yeah, yeah ... don't we all). But seriously, I have.

Hey, guess what?  I have secrets. Yes, I know it's difficult to believe that I can keep anything to myself with as much "sharing" as I do on here, but I do have a couple of good, juicy secrets right now.  One of them I will hopefully be able to share soon, the other one, I most definitely will not.  It does make me feel naughty, though, telling you that I have a secret that I won't share. It's almost as good as sharing it. :)

Moving on ... I was talking to a friend this week about my recent epiphany that I need to leave some sort of legacy behind. I guess it's not really an epiphany; I've always wanted to make a mark on this world. It's more of a "come to Jesus" with my future self that I'd better get off my ass and figure out how I'm going to leave this world a better place than I found it on July 3, 1970 at around 8:32 a.m.  I mean, seriously. People were starting to wear hot pants, Michael Jackson had the #1 song and some maniac thief was President. It shouldn't be TOO difficult to kick 1970's ass, right?

He told me that my writing could be my legacy. I'm not sure that he's actually read my blog, but I guess it leaves some sort of legacy, or bad taste ... whatever you want to call it. :)

So, what am I going to do? I know I've talked about this before, but I'm still looking for some good ideas here, people!

I have one great friend who is a liberal, tree-hugging freak like me and is always willing to volunteer her time for the greater good. She has talked me in to judging a science fair next month (pause for laughter). Anyone who knows me knows that my experience with science projects went about as far as what I could mix with vodka without poisoning myself, but I'm going to give it a try! She assured me that there will be other scores and that my lack of scientific knowledge won't destroy these young, noble minds. I'll report the outcome, don't you worry.

I guess I need to close with random mish-mash since that's what I decided the title would be, so I'll give you this - I'm 99% sure I could never be a swinger. I appreciate the concept, but I can't willingly let some other woman perform unmentionable sexual favors for my man. Now ... if I were completely over him and didn't want to perform unmetionable sexual favors for him myself, that's another story.  That's why I left that 1% possibility in there ... :)

Peace, love and juicy secrets, friends!

I can't make this up, people ...

So, I haven't told this to the "blogosphere," but I was dating a guy for a few weeks.  Yep.  I made it to "a few weeks" status. (Confetti, horns, whoo hoos. Enough.)

This particular guy was someone whom I'd dated around four years ago.  It (obviously) didn't work out for various reasons.  The "relationship" (I use the term loosely) ended on bad terms back then, and I never thought I'd want to speak his name again let alone date him.  Time heals wounds, I suppose.  Or, in my case, faded just exactly how large of a douche bag he truly was ... for a few weeks.

When he started "pursuing" me again, I knew that I didn't feel the same way that I felt four years ago, but my dating life hadn't been all that fantastic lately so I thought I'd open up my heart and give it a try.  He assured me that he was "a different person," and I believed him.

I won't go into all of the details, but I quickly realized that the feelings weren't developing and likely wouldn't be rekindled. I could forgive how he'd treated me in the past, but I couldn't forget.

Unfortunately, he thought he could buy my affections: nice dinners, lots of movies, Christmas presents, you get the picture. Men, know this; regardless of how much money you throw at me, it's not going to make me dig you if you're truly a selfish, petty, lying douche bag.

It turns out he hadn't actually changed, he'd just gotten better at the bullshit.  He is still a petty, passive aggressive prick.

Case in point: When I told him that I'd like to talk to him about us, he asked me to send him a text message. When I apologized and told him that I just couldn't forgive the past and didn't feel "those feelings" for him, he told me he wished I would have told him before he spent all of the money on me. Yeah ... it's obvious you're a MUCH better person ...

I get it.  Your ego was bruised and your feelings were hurt, but take it like a man and move on.  Instead, I got a text message from him today asking if he could get his cock ring back.  No, seriously.  He wants his cock ring back.

So many thoughts ran through my head about how I could respond to this request. One daydream I had was just to send him a check for $25 and write "for the cock ring" in the memo line. I would send along a little note calling him a "petty little bitch" and tell him not to spend it all in one place. But, I decided that would make ME the petty little bitch and, quite honestly, I really don't want to waste $25 on a cock ring.

Then I thought about telling him that I don't have it any more, that my dog got ahold of it and it's now her chew toy. I figured he wouldn't believe that one, so I decided I'd just mail it to him. So hey, USPS, keep an eye out for a cock ring in a Scentsy box.  It's on the way!

Little does he know, I still have the last cock ring he left at my place four years ago, so I'm not down any sex toys.  Score one for Spiffy! :)

So ... what's next?

I graduated from college three weeks ago. After 23 years, I finally have a Bachelor's of Science in Marketing Management (I'll pause for applause ... thank you ... ).

I've been working on finishing my degree hard core for the past six years.  I've passed up on parties (OK ... I didn't pass on too many parties), but my social and dating life definitely took a hit.  I gladly sacrificed because finishing this leg of my education was so very, very important to me. 

I'm so very, very proud of myself and my accomplishment, but now I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that there has to be more to life, or more specifically, more to MY life.  What's next?  I spent six years working so hard, something great has to come out of this, right? 

I'm beginning to wonder what defines me.  I'm no longer a student, I'm not a mother, I'm not a wife - what or who am I??

I feel like I need to figure out a way to be more of a citizen of the WORLD than just a "being." 

I've been working on finishing this blog entry for three weeks and it still hasn't come together. My thoughts keep coming out in choppy sentences, so please forgive my lack of flow (and wit, apparently).   I think I'll finish with bullet points ...

- My job does not fulfill, challenge or enlighten me. I need to be fulfilled, challenged and enlightened.
- I need to figure out what my "legacy" will be.  It's unlikely I'll have children, so what will I leave behind?  How will the world remember me? 
- What can I do to be a better citizen of the world?  There are so many people who "need."  What can I do to help?
- Lastly, WTF is wrong with my stomach and why won't it quit churning?  (OK, that really doesn't have anything to do with my philosophical introspection, but my stomach is currently jacked.)

Does anyone have any advice for good, ole Spiffy?  Help me find my way through the forest of questions running through my head ...

*Warning* Serious Shit Below. Seriously.

A local TV personality took his own life this week.  What does that have to do with me?  I wasn't directly affected by the loss, but it made me stop and reflect on my past struggles, so I thought I'd share.

My heart hurts to think about the pain he must have been in to finally make the decision to take his own life.  On the outside he seemed happy, but I know that it's easy for people to mistake a happy face for a happy heart. Unfortunately, that's not always the case.

I'll start by letting you all know that I am not currently suffering from depression. I am not taking any medication and I'm happy with my life.  This wasn't always the case.

In the late 90's, I think around 98-99, I was depressed. I couldn't figure out why or how to make it better and felt like if I told anyone, they'd think I was crazy. Unfortunately, I come from a long line of crazy women, so I was doomed to deal with it one day ... :)

I lived in a cool apartment, I had a good job, I was in great shape and I had a lot of friends. The problem was, I could barely make myself get out of bed and function in the morning.  I was so sad, I just wanted to sleep, and actually fantasized about how nice it would be to just NOT wake up.

I never tried to take my life, but I seriously thought about it.  Seriously.

I finally saw a doctor, sought therapy and started taking medication.  It's hard to admit that I needed to take meds, but the fact is that depression is a REAL illness.  Chemical imbalance isn't something that will just "miraculously" correct itself. 

Eventually, things were once again "rosy" and I didn't need the meds any more.  Unfortunately, a few years later I was hit with the life equivalent of a Mack truck when I suffered two miscarriages in the scope of a year.  You talk about chemical imbalance!  My hormones were FUCKED UP!

This time instead of sleeping my life away, I decided to self-destruct.  I started smoking and drinking heavily, withdrew from my friends, and pushed my husband as far away from me as I could by cheating on him.  I didn't feel worthy of his love or anyone's love for that matter, so I did my best to make sure people didn't like me, and it worked.

It took a couple of years to pull myself out of the hole I dug, but I finally did and I'm at peace with who I am today.  I regret the mistakes that I made and how I treated my husband, friends and family, but I made it through and I still have my friends and family.  The husband, well, he moved on ... :)

There was one friend in particular who stuck by me at my worst and didn't turn her back on me when I was VERY unloveable. My girl, Jennifer, never judged me, she always listened to me and helped me feel better about myself.  I love you, Jen. :)

A few people have asked my why/how I can share so much about myself on my blog.  Trust me, I don't share everything, but if I can tell a story that someone else may relate to, then I feel it's worth it. 

We don't live in a bubble. We need to remember that our lives affect others, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. 

If you have a friend who is struggling with something in their life, reach out and offer them a shoulder to cry on or ear to bend.  Let them know that you care about them. Do something, just don't turn your back on them when they need you most.

Um ... that's gross

I may have mentioned it previously, but I'm single. Yeah, I know ... shocking.

Apparently there are a lot of younger guys out there who are into older women.  I hate to use the term "older" because it makes me think that dust is going to fly out of my vagina or something, but I've seriously been hit on by guys who could have been my son if I'd gotten knocked up in high school like so many people thought I would. ;)

So last night I was "chatting" with a guy who is 10 years younger than me.  He claimed he didn't have some kind of fetish for older women or fantasy he was trying to fulfill, but instead was just attracted to older women.  I believed him. For about 10 minutes.

Right out of the shoot he asks me my measurements. I told him it was none of his business (I didn't drop any "f bombs." I was still trying to let him think I'm a nice girl). He then asked me a lot of other personal questions, all leading back to when the last time I'd had sex and how old the person was.  Very odd questions, all which I diverted like the nimble gazelle that I am ...

He then decided to share with me that he had an affair with his mom's best friend when he was 17 and she was 37.  No biggie.  Every kid's fantasy to get busy with their mom's hot friend.  I can handle that one. 

But then, right after he asked me how big MY boobs are, he mentioned that he'd bought his mom fake boobs for her birthday ....  No kids, I'm not making this shit up.

I asked him why and he said because she had "always wanted them," and then bragged about how he "was the first one to see them after the surgery."
WHAT. THE. FUCK??!!

Am I the only one that thinks it is sick and wrong to: 1) pay for a boob job for your mom, and; 2) actually want to LOOK at your mom's new boobs, and; 3) brag about it??!! 

I quickly ended that conversation with Captain Pervo and chalked that up to one more reason why I shouldn't date much younger men. 

On a side note, "Mr. A," I'm still waiting for you to send me an e-mail so we can catch up.  No fair hiding behind one-way comments. :)   spiffychic3@gmail.com.

If anyone else wants to shoot me a message, I love random e-mails.  They make me happy!  Tell me what to write about if you have any ideas.  I'm tired of bitching about my lack-of-dating life.

Peace out.

Yes ... more dating stories ...

So, I feel like a broken record, but it's just the way my life is at the moment.  I've got a lot of fucked up dating stories! Ready for another one?  I thought so ...

I should first say that I have met some nice guys, just nothing that had me doodling hearts around his name or imagining what it would be like to ride his face like a wild stallion.  But, I digress.

The first guy I'll call "Mr. Librarian" well, because, he was a librarian.  Go ahead, laugh, but I thought I'd give it a try. 

Mr. Librarian was a little awkward on the phone (ok, he was a lot awkward), but I chalked that up to nerves and thought it was kind of cute.  What drew me to him you ask?  His love of the band Soundgarden and playing bar trivia.  Yep.  I'm a sucker for music and obscure, trivial knowledge.

We met for dinner and the minute he walked in the door I knew it was going to be a painful dinner.  He just simply wasn't my type.  AT ALL.  Regardless of our two commonalities.  He was awkward and timid and jerky and had no sense of humor, whatsoever.  It's a rarity when I'm not wisecracking every 10 minutes or so, and let's just say my librarian joke did not generate the laugh I'd expected ...

We finished dinner, parted ways and as I was driving down the street, he started calling me.  I didn't answer, and he called AGAIN!  This time he left a voicemail asking me out for the weekend.  I had plans later that evening (yes, I double-booked with a better back-up plan that I've nicknamed "Meat," but I'll talk about him another day ... maybe), so I hadn't planned on letting him down until the next day.

Before I had a chance to call him, he texted me the next morning asking, "So, are you still interested or no?"  Pushy much??  The answer, Mr. Librarian, is "NO!"  I was nice about it, but told him the truth; our personalities are too different, plus I'm pretty sure he's still a virgin and I'm too old to train someone.

Moving on ... the next prospect I'll call "Freud" because he thought that since he spent four-years in college and ended up with an undergrad in psychology and a C average, that he was some kind of fucking genius who could analyze everything about me.  Mistake numero uno.

I won tickets to a Social D show, so I asked him if he'd like to go.  Pretty awesome first date with someone you've never met, huh?  I figured we were in public place and I had a lot of friends who were going as well, so I was safe if he turned into some kind of freak.

He was attractive and kind of cool, but started analyzing my past relationships, my actions and intentions and then decided it was OK to start groping my ass a mere two hours after we'd met.  Sorry, Freud.  I have a strict eight hour rule. Deal. :)

At the end of the evening (after he'd drank half of the bar) he decided to ask me how much money I made and then proceeded to ask me where I spend my money.  I kindly told him it was none of his fucking business how much I make or where I spend my money and right about then, I was ready to go home. He then told me his "strategy" was to get me agitated so my "heart rate would rise and I'd remember him." Like I said ... Freud, or should I say, fraud??

Well, his strategy worked enough for me to give it another chance, so we went out to dinner on Saturday.  He didn't want to come to my house and pick me up because it would be "a pain" to find me, so we met at the restaurant.  (Strike one).

Did I mention he drinks A LOT?  Well he started complaining about how he couldn't get drunk because he'd eaten (like it's a normal goal to get shit faced no matter where you go - Strike two) and then proceeded to tell me sordid tales from his youthful attempts at cat burglary.  I guess he thought if he painted himself out to be a "bad boy" it would get me all lathered up.  It didn't work.

He also thought it was appropriate to grab my ass and comment on its "firmness" and try to literally dry hump me in the middle of the bar. STEEEERIKE THREE!  You're OUT!  Note to potential future dates: I am not a prude and I appreciate public displays of affection, but do NOT think for one second you can maul me in public and make me look like a fucking floozy fool and that it's OK.  It's NOT OK!

I finally got out from under that bullshit and politely told him that we were just too different.  I didn't feel the need to berate him or humiliate him, just to get rid of him.  I will admit, though, that I've saved his voicemail messages to listen to when I need a good laugh and in case he turns into a stalker.  Thank you Jesus he didn't come pick me up!!

I think Spiffy is going to lay low on the dating scene for a while.  I don't think my heart and head can take much more of it.  Someone once wrote that (online) dating is like opening the refrigerator over and over again, expecting to see something new and discovering it's the same, old leftovers. 

I'm tired of leftovers.  I think I'll stick with my single-serving meals and side of Meat for a while ... :)