So, I haven't told this to the "blogosphere," but I was dating a guy for a few weeks. Yep. I made it to "a few weeks" status. (Confetti, horns, whoo hoos. Enough.)
This particular guy was someone whom I'd dated around four years ago. It (obviously) didn't work out for various reasons. The "relationship" (I use the term loosely) ended on bad terms back then, and I never thought I'd want to speak his name again let alone date him. Time heals wounds, I suppose. Or, in my case, faded just exactly how large of a douche bag he truly was ... for a few weeks.
When he started "pursuing" me again, I knew that I didn't feel the same way that I felt four years ago, but my dating life hadn't been all that fantastic lately so I thought I'd open up my heart and give it a try. He assured me that he was "a different person," and I believed him.
I won't go into all of the details, but I quickly realized that the feelings weren't developing and likely wouldn't be rekindled. I could forgive how he'd treated me in the past, but I couldn't forget.
Unfortunately, he thought he could buy my affections: nice dinners, lots of movies, Christmas presents, you get the picture. Men, know this; regardless of how much money you throw at me, it's not going to make me dig you if you're truly a selfish, petty, lying douche bag.
It turns out he hadn't actually changed, he'd just gotten better at the bullshit. He is still a petty, passive aggressive prick.
Case in point: When I told him that I'd like to talk to him about us, he asked me to send him a text message. When I apologized and told him that I just couldn't forgive the past and didn't feel "those feelings" for him, he told me he wished I would have told him before he spent all of the money on me. Yeah ... it's obvious you're a MUCH better person ...
I get it. Your ego was bruised and your feelings were hurt, but take it like a man and move on. Instead, I got a text message from him today asking if he could get his cock ring back. No, seriously. He wants his cock ring back.
So many thoughts ran through my head about how I could respond to this request. One daydream I had was just to send him a check for $25 and write "for the cock ring" in the memo line. I would send along a little note calling him a "petty little bitch" and tell him not to spend it all in one place. But, I decided that would make ME the petty little bitch and, quite honestly, I really don't want to waste $25 on a cock ring.
Then I thought about telling him that I don't have it any more, that my dog got ahold of it and it's now her chew toy. I figured he wouldn't believe that one, so I decided I'd just mail it to him. So hey, USPS, keep an eye out for a cock ring in a Scentsy box. It's on the way!
Little does he know, I still have the last cock ring he left at my place four years ago, so I'm not down any sex toys. Score one for Spiffy! :)
Oh Spiffy, so many things about this posting. First off...
ReplyDeleteSince he is such a prick does his referral to a cock ring mean his belt? Du-duh-cheeeeee! Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week!
Secondly, this is a classic and timeless ruse that men (including yours truly) have used since the Mesozoic Era. “Uhh...I left my sunglasses at your place and I need to stop by and pick them up.” Once I got my foot in the door and turned on the Rico Suave, she was like puddy in my hands. At least that my version of the story and I'm sticking to it.
What you should do is have your regular FW/B stop by, convince him to use this “new” cock ring and take a picture of him wearing it (faceless, of course). Better yet, hopefully your FWB is a bit larger than Captain Prickalo and can’t even get the thing on and then take a picture of his junk next to the now too small ring. Then send the ring back to Prickalo with a polaroid of some other random dude wearing it or unsuccessfully trying to put it on. That way you have abided by all laws of your municipality by returning Cpt. Prickalo’s personal property but have rendered it useless. Nothing worse than getting called before Judge Wapner for such a potentially politically embarrassing situation that could ruin your future bid for Presidency.
Might want to return the old ring as well... that way you’ll have a slightly lighter box of “goodies” upon your next move. Now that I think about it...if you get a collection of these rings from this guy they might make a good set of dinner napkin rings for the dining room table. Heck, you’re a third of the way to a six piece setting. Sorry, that’s the Martha Stewart coming out in me. Efficient but yet practical.
Mr H
Great idea, Mr. H! I never thought about using them as part of my table setting. GENIUS! :) Quite honestly, they are a waste of money anyway. And, at this particular time, I do not have a FWB ... TAKERS???
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