"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

It’s time for Spiffy to reflect on the year that has come and gone. Take inventory of her failures and, of course, her successes.  You know what they say, "failure is success if we learn from it."  Well, I've been a sedulous student this year, my friends!

BUNGLES :(

• I killed at least three plants. I over watered my rubber tree plant and have no idea what I did to my other plants, but the last one to make its way to foliage heaven is featured below. In lieu of sending flowers, please make a donation in my name at Bank of America. Thanks.

• I lost one of my crowns. I like to chew gum and I chewed it right off of my back tooth. Luckily I didn’t swallow it…that was a first… 
• I didn’t snag a boyfriend. I had some prospects, none of which panned out and I’m OK with that. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so I’m moving this one on to a 2011 goal. If worse comes to worse, I still have my stun gun and I’ve been working on my knot tying skills.
• I still can’t do a yoga headstand without leaning against the wall. 
• I didn’t run a marathon. Or a half marathon. Or a 10k. But…

BOOMS :)

• I ran a couple of 5k’s and, let’s just be frank, I ran – period. I’m good with that.
• I turned 40 this year and didn’t spend the day curled up in a fetal position sobbing hysterically. I thought it was going to be the most traumatic thing to happen to me since they canceled Arrested Development, but on a scale of “Meh” to “Holy Fuck!” I’d say I settled right in the middle at “What’s that burning smell?” 
• I bought a new car which I’ve named Maynard after the best front man ever to walk the earth – Maynard James Keenan. I’m at least 100 feet away from him and there was nothing in the paperwork about naming things after him, so everything is fine. Relax.

Maynard James Keenan - so incredibly hot.

• I bought some new furniture so I don’t feel as bad about living in an apartment. I have to remind myself that on the coasts, apartment living is typical and not looked down upon. Unfortunately, in the Midwest I’m still expected to own my own home. Fuck off. 
• I transferred to Park University and will soon finish my degree. This time next year I’ll have that piece of paper that says I can do what I’ve been doing for years, except that now I’ll have thousands and thousands of dollars of extra debt to prove it! Yeah me.
• I saw a shit load of live music.  I dubbed my summer the "Summer of Concerts," and I lived up to it.  See above photo for one of the artists I saw twice this summer; all within the guidelines of the restraining order.
• I started this blog. I’ve thought about it and talked about it most of the year and finally, with the encouragement of my wonderful friend Courtney, I did it. It feels good to share my twisted alter-ego with the tens of people who read my blog! Thanks, Court!

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I like to put a surly spin on everything, but I’m actually pretty happy with what I’ve accomplished in 2010. In addition to the “things” I’ve gained this year, I’ve also gained a new appreciation for myself. I don’t put as much pressure on myself to be something or someone else any more. I will never have a perfect body (without liposuction), it’s doubtful I’ll ever be rich (without the lottery or a sugar daddy), and not everyone will like me (fuck them if they don’t like me), and I’m OK with all of this. Like my friend Tim said this week, 2011 is the year of Spiffy so look out, bitches!

I found this poem that I'd like to share:
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

Happy New Year and I hope you all have a fucking fantastic 2011! 

Paging Christmas Spirit. Are you here Christmas Spirit?

Those of you who know me know that there isn't much about me that you'd consider "traditional."  Natural - yes.  Traditional - not so much.

I would like to feel all warm and fuzzy about the holidays, but truthfully, this time of year hasn't really held many special memories for me in many years.  Maybe it will again one day, who knows.  I promise you that my attitude about the holidays has improved greatly in the past couple of years.  I actually bought a Christmas tree - granted it's 2-feet tall and lit by fiber optic branches, but it's a start for eff's sake so get off my back!  But I digress...

Regardless of my lack of "traditionalness" (yep, I made that word up), there are a few things that I look forward to around this time of the year and I'd like to share them with you...in no particular order.  Ready?

1) Seasonal blend coffees.  I love the pumpkin spice and gingerbread and peppermint blend coffees.  Love, love, love.

2) Christmas candy.  My Grandma used to make the best Christmas candy like peanut clusters and peanut brittle, but my absolute all time favorite - cherry mash candy.  I know.  Some people find it disgusting, but I love, love, love it!  Miss you Grandma. xoxo

3) Playing in the snow.  This is something that I love to do, but I haven't done it in years.  My brother and I used to make the most kick ass snow forts in our front yard.  Seriously, they were like igloos and we'd hang out inside.  I love having snowball fights, but I haven't had a good one in a few years.  My dogs don't really find it amusing when I throw snowballs at them.  They don't quite get the concept...  I also love to go sledding.  I remember being little and going sledding with my dad and brother.  He'd drive us to the same hill every year, put us on our snow saucer and toss us off so we'd fly in the air a bit before sliding down the hill.  It was AWESOME!  Trying to shove my adult-self off of a hill on a tiny saucer just doesn't have the same effect...

4) Boots.  I really like to wear boots and it's much too hot to wear them in the summer.

5) Christmas lights.  I used to love to sit in a dark house with nothing but the Christmas lights turned on and just relax and think.  It was very peaceful.   I also really enjoy looking at lights on houses around town.  It's nice that people take the time to show their own Christmas spirit, although I still haven't quite figured out what the correlation is between lights and baby Jesus, but whatever.

6) Christmas songs.  Not necessarily the "traditional" tunes (go figure), but I've always liked The Little Drummer Boy.  I think mainly because I dig the drums.  Other that that, a few of my faves are Blue Christmas by Elvis,  Last Christmas by Wham, and 2000 Miles by The Pretenders. 

7 ) And last, but definitely not least, this SNL skit is something that I look forward to every year.  If ever I feel gloomy around the holidays, I watch this skit and the world falls back into place.  It makes me super happy.   By the way, I had to search and search for this and could only find it on Hulu, so deal with the 10 second commercial.  It's a small price to pay for the happiness you're about to feel!

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Pucker up!

Most of you probably don't know this, but I'm a really good kisser.  At least I think I am and 90% of doing something well is thinking that you do it well, right?  Although, I will admit, it is much more important to ACTUALLY kiss well than just think you kiss well.  What the eff ever, I'm a good kisser!

Moving on.  My stellar smoochers haven't seem much action lately.  Eight months and a couple of weeks to be exact.  Now please don't pity Spiffy Chick.  It's not like I couldn't be making out like crazy, but I have standards.  
I've considered lowering my standards a bit, but we'll leave that craziness for another blog!

Why do I bring up my lack of lip action?  Well I saw the trailer for the new Jolie/Depp movie -The Tourist.  I'm sitting on the couch, minding my own business when all of a sudden, Johnny Depp's beautiful tongue makes his way into Angelina Jolie's beautiful mouth.  It was that very moment that I realized how much it sucked to not be able to rewind live TV.  The kiss was hot people.  HOT! 

That same kiss reminded of me of some toe-tingling kisses I've had in my life and then BLAM!  Reality.  Cold shower.  Blog fodder for my 8 fans to enjoy.

Kissing is, like, one of my five favorite things to do.  Seriously.  How can anyone who has a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife not make out with them all of the time?  You have a steady supply of lip loving, ready and waiting.  TAKE IT!

I've told you before that I have a vivid imagination.  Well, sometimes I have little 'fantasies' of walking up to men, telling them that I like their shoes or their watch something along that line and then sticking my tongue down their throat for a little face smooshing then and walk away.  Do you think I could get away with it or would I find myself in cellblock 3 with Ginger and her buddy Sexy Lexi?  Personally, I think it would be a great way for me to pay it forward from that nice lady who bought me lunch last week, but maybe I'm delusional. 

Yeah, you're right.  Probably not the best idea. Spiffy Chick is a freak, but she's not a pervert people. 

Shut Your Effing Potty Mouth!

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Crush, crush, crush

I had a conversation over the weekend with a couple of my guy friends.  They wanted to know which star I have a "girl crush" on and would have a lesbian fling with, should I ever find myself in the mood for a lesbian fling and in the presence of a star.

One of my buddies had no problem listing off at least five different guys he has had "completely plutonic" male fantasies about.  I'll preface this by confirming that he's not homosexual, but I got the feeling that he'd put a little too much thought into this particular topic.  A few of his choices:  Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Sean Connery, and Matthew McConnaughey.

Now, I've had my share of very non-plutonic fantasies about Johnny Depp, but the others don't do much for me.  Not even McConnaughey and his killer abs. 

Neither of my friends believed me when I told them that no one came to my mind immediately.  I really hadn't put any thought into having either a girl crush or a lesbian fling.  They continued to goad me until I came up with a few girl crush possibilities that I will share with you now:

- Gwen Stefani - I like her fashion sense, she's my age and is totally hot and yet cool at the same time.  I really wouldn't find it hot to make out with her because of her fire red lipstick (it doesn't wipe off easily), but she'd be fun to have a few drinks with and talk about music and boys.

- Shakira - That girl can move like no other.  Again, not feeling any sexual urges toward her, but I'd like her to teach me how to belly dance.  In exchange, I could teach her to talk less like Kermit the Frog.

- Shirley Manson - Are you getting the theme to my crushes here??  Musicians.  I dig musicians.  Shirley is just bad ass - period.  She's a red head with super pale skin, just like me.  I think we're kindred spirits, although she got the cool Scottish accent and I got the boobs.

What about you?  Any girl/boy crushes?  Don't worry - I won't judge...much... :)

Excuses, excuses...

I awoke one morning in late 2008 with the revelation that I wanted to run a marathon.  I thought, "Why not?"  Afterall, I believe in myself and, let's face it, if I want something, I usually find a way to get it or make it happen.

Fast-forward to November 8, 2010.  Let's take a look at the list of things I wanted to accomplish, an annual bucket list of sorts: win the lottery (nope), get a new car (yep), wrangle up a boyfriend or even an occasional date (skant), new furniture (yep), run a marathon (hells no).

I've run a few 5k's and I'm proud of that, but I've since discovered that running just isn't my thing.  My boobs are too big and my knees are too shot to find much, if any, enjoyment in the activity.  Although I'm pretty sure my big boobs and shot knees should offer me some type of advantage in the boyfriend category, but maybe that's just wishful thinking....

An even bigger kick in the teeth to me was the news story about the Chilean miner who was stuck miles below the surface for over two-months, trained by jogging in place wearing steel-toed boots, and just finished the New York marathon.  Kudos to you, Mr. Miner, but suck it sideways for upstaging me!

Maybe I'm just making excuses.  Maybe not.  I really wish I enjoyed running and could find my "zone" as they call it.  I've gotten better; I'm a master "wogger" and I no longer suck air and think I'm going to pass out while jogging up the street, but I doubt I'll ever run a marathon.   And I'm OK with that fact.

What I'm not OK with - the lack of sex in my life.  Not that I haven't had offers.  I mean, come on, have you seen my rack??  Unfortunately those offers while tempting- come with baggage.  The only baggage I'm looking for right now is one with a Burberry label, thank you very much.

*Disclaimer - if anyone from my family reads this, I apologize for the potential mouth-vomiting after visualizing my rack.

"Bad people are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote."

Now, you may think that Spiffy Chick only likes to talk shit and drop "f-bombs."  While both of those assumptions are true, there is much, much more to good ole' Spiffy. 

Tonight, I'm going to balance on my tippy toes on top of my soap box.  Tomorrow are the mid-term elections and I wonder how many of you will actually get off your ass and go out and vote.  I'm guessing, not too many.

As much as I dislike the redundancy of the political ads spewing lies and negativity over the past few months, I really hope that everyone gets off the couch and takes a few minutes to make your opinion known.  Even though you may not have the same opinion as me, you should have an opinion and should care about who represents your voice.

Realistically, this mid-term election will temporarily energize us, lull us into the false hope that things will be different. It would be awesome if we all took some time to educate ourselves about what's going on with our economy and in our country and, heck, in the world!  Learn to understand that what we're spoon-fed by the media isn't always (is rarely) the complete truth.  

Wouldn't it be nice to understand the noises coming out of the gaping hole in that talking head on TV?  To know whether they were telling you even a partial truth or spinning something into a neat little package that you will surely gobble up?

OK, that's all.  My legs are tired from all of this soap-box standing.  Live long, prosper, and make a difference!