I remember...

Ten years ago I was 31 years old, working as an insurance agent for AAA.  I was sitting in my office early the morning of September 11th, trying to talk myself into making it through another day at a job that I hated.  I was in a shitty mood and didn't feel like talking to anyone.  

Someone walked by my office and told me to come into the kitchen to watch what was happening on TV, and that's about all that I remember.  Except that we all got to go home early (yippee).

Back in those days, I was often hoggishly detached from anything that didn't affect me directly.  If it didn't happen to "me," then I chose not to "feel" it.  Newsflash: Spiffy was selfish.

I remember watching the plane hit the tower and eventually the towers fall.  It all seemed so surreal to me; like it wasn't really happening.  I mean, how could something that looked like a blockbuster hit starring Bruce Willis and Nicholas Cage really be happening, for REAL??

A couple of weeks after 9/11, I was listening to the morning show of my then favorite radio station, e105.  Joe from "The Joe Show" was talking about how he was a big hair-band freak back in the 80's which immediately connected with me.  I, too, was an 80's hair-band fanatic who sported a killer red coif that I kept in prime shape with a hair dryer and Aqua Net.

He mentioned they were holding a radio contest and winners would get a round-trip, all expenses paid trip to New York City.  All I had to do was tell him why I was the biggest 80's hair-band fanatic and I'd win ... so I did ... and I WON!

I took my friend Kristen with me on a trip that forever changed my life.  Not only because of the experience of seeing Ground Zero only a month after the attack, but because of the people that I met on that trip who I still hold dear to my heart. There are so many great people who are now in my life who wouldn't have been in my life had the 9-11 attacks not happened.  I guess that's my silver lining in the dark cloud.

Tragic events affect everyone, whether or not they are in touch enough with their emotions to admit it.  I tried not to "feel" much back then, so it took a radio station trip to New York City for the reality to really sink in. 

Standing in front of Saint Patrick's Cathedral in Manhattan, watching the funeral procession for one of the fallen firefighters, Patty Brown, was a moment I will never forget.  You could hear a pin drop as the firefighters marched down the road, led by bag pipes.  The entire city was silent in tribute.  It was awesome and sad and beautiful all at the same time.

Ten years later, I sat and cried this morning as I listened to Paul Simon sing Sounds of Silence.  I relived the morning of 9-11-01 while watching a feature on NatGeo this evening.  I chose to feel the pain of others while I watched. 

I really tried to imagine the pain of talking to a loved one on the phone and knowing that it was likely the last time you'd ever hear their voice.  I imagined the terror those poor people felt as they ran through the streets of Manhattan in a futile attempt to avoid the rolling cloud of debris.   I imagined the despair someone must have felt to have to choose between burning to death or jumping out of a building. 

Needless to say, my heart aches tonight. 

Be Vewy, Vewy, Qwiet...

Dating in your 40's is difficult. Meeting single men who you're attracted to and are honestly interested in getting to know you and not just getting to know the inside of your vagina is quite difficult.  I mean, I'm sure my vagina is very interesting and inviting, but so is my mind. :)

I may have mentioned that I started online dating again a few months back.  I've had A LOT of first dates and only one second date and that second date turned out to be with a guy who has a history of domestic abuse.  Needless to say it didn't lead to a third date.

Well, I had a great first date last night that will hopefully lead to an even better second and then, well, let's be honest...I would like to eventually introduce him to my vagina.

This guy, we'll call him "Kung Fu," was cool, interesting, different and slightly odd, and pretty easy on the eyes.  All important qualities to Spiffy Chick. I did get the feeling, though, that he may have some commitment phobia.  I can point fingers because I, too, may have a touch of the phobia.

My view on dating is that if I meet someone who I'm attracted to, find interesting and enjoy sharing space with, I would like to focus my energy on that person.  That feeling is so rare that when I find it in someone who I can tolerate for an entire evening without wanting to make up a fake illness, I'd like to prolong the feeling.

I'm not saying that after the first date he should give me his class ring and letter jacket or that I'll promise my virginity to him (shut up).  I'm just saying that I find it easier to focus on one guy at a time...OK, maximum of two guys at a time.

Kung Fu told me that (paraphrasing) while he liked me and that he wanted to see me again, he was still going to be out "hunting" for other girls to date.  If and when we decided to start introducing our girl and boy parts to each other, THEN he would stop the hunt.

My question to you: do all guys constantly think that that there is something better around the corner, and if they stop hunting they'll settle for something "slightly less" than what they could have had?  Do men ever grow up and out of this delusion?  Does that extra shot of testosterone flowing around their veins make then think that by settling down, that they will eventually whither and die? 

Know that I'm not one of those girls who generalizes all men.  I know that not all men are commitment phobes.  Only the men that I'm attracted to, apparently.

So I've decided that if Kung Fu wants to hunt, then I'm going to keep hunting as well.  Afterall, I've always wanted to be a warrior like Itzpapalotl, the "clawed butterfly," and I can rock a loin cloth if necessary.  

Plus, there's this other guy, "GI Joe," who has potential...